Sel explains Santa Symbiote to Jake

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the tunnels
Everyone was sleeping, Except for Selmak
As she was hiding out in a stocking hung with care;
As she knew that Santa Symbiote, would soon be there!

A Tok'ra Christmas Story is available here.
A Christmas Assassin is available here.


Yes, it's that time of year, when all the good little Tok'Ras and Tok'Ra-ettes hang their stockings by the chimmney with care in the hopes that Santa Symbiote will soon be here!

Santa Symbiote?!?

Yes! He goes around the universe in his solar powered Space Ship and he delivers presents to all the deserving little Tok'Ras and Tok'Rae-ettes and he delivers COAL to all the bad little symbiotes (Delek).

Del, take it from Sel, you're getting a lot of Coal this year. In fact, you're gonna get so much coal that you're gonna need a new cubicle just for it!

There's no such thing as Santa Symbiote, Sel.

Yes there is! I believe! I do! I do! Don't listen to my cranky host, Santa Symbiote! I BELIEVE! And I've been really good this year!

Snort of disbelief.

I've healed Jacob thirty seven times, I tried to keep the Tok'Ra and the Tau'Ri talking to each other, and I beat up a few Goa'uld, so I think Santa Symbiote will bring me a cute and cuddly, warm and fuzzy little puppy for Christmas!

Selmak, listen to me. There's no such thing as Santa Symbiote. You're almost 4,000,000 years old, Sel.

I'm not that old, Jake. Besides, you shouldn't be mean like that, Jake. Santa Symbiote will hear and he won't give you any presents! Santa! Please, don't put Jake on the Bad Boy List, please? Jake's a good little boy, except he always gets hurt.

Sel, if you haven't gotten a gift from Santa Symbiote by now, you never ever will. It's because he doesn't exist.

YES, he DOES!

Sel, then explain to me, how come you being forty trillion years old, you've never gotten a gift from this Santa Symbiote.

We don't leave a forwarding address when we're on the run, Jacob!

December 22, 2006

Dear Santa Symbiote,

This is a joint letter from several boys that truly believe in you. We hope that this season hasn't been too stressful and that you and Mrs. Santa Symbiote are doing well.

For Christmas, we're wondering if you could do something about a certain symbiote. While naturally, we are scared delighted to have such a crazed stalker an enthusiatic fan, we worry about certain unearthed gems that we'd prefer to have been dropped into the middle of the Pacific Ocean rather than be released our little stalking nutjob symbiote going off the deep end developing flipper tendonitis from all the capping and research that she does. It's not just a little bit scary but in fact, rather horrifying amazing how much work she puts into her site.

Perhaps for Christmas, you could give her a life a new hobby? May we suggest that you could point out Jay Brazeau and Mitch Peliggi to her? Or perhaps Michael Hogan? After all, HIS show hasn't been cancelled. She's fickle at the best of the times, perhaps she'll get distracted and leave us alone!

Sincerely,

Tommy, Dan, Harry & Cameron


PS. We've pooled our resources and are willing to offer a bribe donation.

Dear Boys,

You think I can control her? Not even Egeria could.

Love,

SS

December 21, 2006

Dear Santa Symbiote,

I recently found my original "Mystery Date" board game. (Yes, I'm that old.) If I asked nicely, could you replace the stock photos with photos of da Boys?

The Almost-Golden Girl


Dear AGG,

Mystery Date? I'm not familiar with that game. Is that like Clue? You know, Hammond with a Glock in the Gateroom?

Santa Symbiote


November 9, 2006

Dear Santa Symbiote,

I don't believe in you.

Not at all, but if you have any influence on a certain high spirited and truth be told, rather shrill Symbiote by the name of Selmak, I'd really like not to find this in my Christmas Stocking.



Sincerely,

The One of the Original, Sexy Balding Guys Group, as Selmak is apparently trying to sneak another Bald/Balding SciFi Actor on her site without us noticing.


Dear Solar Panel Sex Machine,

Santa Symbiote is sad to admit that the shirt is on back order. But if you're really good and defeat the ORI before Christmas, he'll get you Janet Fraiser for your stocking!

Santa Symbiote


November 23, 2005

Look Pook! A new letter to Santa Symbiote!

Let me read it!

Dear Santa Symbiote,

I hope it's not too early to ask...for Christmas, could we name JR Bourne (Martouf /Lantash) an honorary Sel's Boy?

Love;

Deep in the Heart of Texas.

Dear Deep-HOT,

I'm afraid, Deep-HOT, I have to answer this, rather than Santa.

Martouf's bright teeth would be BLINDING especially if George has got a whitewall cut. That would cause a safety hazard and my insurance rates on my website would skyrocket.

Love;

Sel

PS ~ Jacob had a "little talking to" - to Martouf~Lantesh regarding his 'relationship' with Sam, and well... I can't handle the three of them bickering!


Dear Santa Symbiote;

For Christmas, I'd like you to give my cranky host, thirty boxes of Tok'Ra Treats (The marshmellow carmel ones, not the ones with the nuts) because he's such a good host, he'll share them with me. He'd also like you to give him an extended Host Warranty as Pookie is always getting hurt.

For me, I'd like the new General Hammond action figure with THREE stars, not the Two, a Bra'tac action figure complete with Cape Action and working staff weapon, and most importantly, a Jake Carter action figure complete with boo-boo collection and his cute and cuddly symbiote.

Thank you;

Sel

PS - If you know a puppy that needs a good home, I've got room in my cubicle. Jake is more than willing to share his bed with the puppy.

Love;

Sel

(Who's been really, really, really, really good, except for that one time that I smacked Delek upside the head, but Santa, he really, really, really deserved it.)

Selmak, in the hopes of getting some brownie points, is reading all of Santa Symbiote's mail, and she'll post them on her site. Just email Santa Symbiote.


Ok - here's our first email to Santa Symbiote. Ahem... let me read it for the big guy.

Dear Santa;

I'd really like [Insert name of one of Sel's Boys] in my stocking this year.

Excuse me, Santa Symbiote is not going to give you the actor in a stocking for Christmas! Do you have any idea how big that stocking would have to be? Do you? Do you? Hint, the three of 'em are giants, they're around six feet tall! Look, when you're like me, and you're twenty four inches tall when you stretch REALLY, REALLY HARD, you don't ask for a giant for christmas! I can't believe I got fourteen emails already from people wanting one of my Boy Toys for their Christmas stocking.

Come on people, let's be serious! Santa's WATCHING! AND HE'S NOT HAPPY.

Santa's got Mail! Let's read it. Ahem... Cough, cough. Sel clears her throat! Ok. let's Go!


November 26, 2004

Dear Santa,

I have been a very good Symbiote this year. I have stopped the alliance with the Tau'ri and Jaffa, so that my fellow tok'ras and tok'rae-ettes do not get betrayed. I made contact with a Tau'ri guy called Kinsey and his snake buddy and helped fund an organisation called the NID, so they can save lots of Tau'ri. I even gave this glowy guy called Anubis the address to one of the Tok'ra planets as he wanted to buy a few crystals.

Yours ever faithfully Santa,

Delek

PS I really want one of those Tau'ri guns, an invisibility shield and a palm sized long range communications device

Is this somebody's sick idea of a joke?

It's not very funny. Santa knows who sent this email in, and you're getting NOTHING for CHRISTMAS as you ain't been nothing but BAD!



December 4, 2004

Dear Santa Symbiote:

I need your help this year. You see, someone has taken away all of my tools for making things like poisons. It had to do with a trial that -oh well. I think that mean old Selmak had it done. She was mad because I tried something on Lokar.

It worked.

Now the High Council has put me on a short leash and cancelled my accounts.

What I want, Santa Baby, is a new Chemistry Set, a red push up bra and some purple lipstick. I think Jake likes purple. Please? I promise not to kill any more hosts.

Love,

Anise

Dear Anise;

Why are you sending this to Santa. This is Not Tok'Ra Tarts R Us. It's SANTA - not Victoria's Secret.

AND I AM NOT OLD AND I'M NOT MEAN! SO PFFFFFTTTTT!!!!

Selmak

oh uh, I hope Santa Symbiote wasn't watching. I'll never get my puppy then.


December 5, 2004

Hey Santa,

I have been a really good little cute and cuddly and adorable little symbiote.

For my presents this year:

I would love an extra large bag of double milk chocolate marshmallow Tok'ra treats. If you can't get that then a new staff weapon would be nice as my last one got left in the tunnels when the ash'rak attacked.

A Covert Operative

Dear Stellar Xyaka;

Santa says you've been a really great covert operative, so you're gonna have lots of stuff in your stocking on Christmas morning!

Sel


December 5, 2004

Dear Santa,

I would really like a new Tau'ri host. I am sure you could obtain one who adores me from one of the Tok'ra loving Tau'ri groups.

High Council Garshaw of Belote

PS I saw an advert for a host called Heather who I believe would do.

Dear Garshaw of Belote;

Sure, Heather's available, but I really thought that you got squashed flat a while ago. Are you still in rehab?

Love;

Sel


December 5, 2005

Santa,

Could you possibly destroy the Tau'ri world, it is getting rather annoying.

Regards,

Anubis

Dear Anubis;

No, you're getting nothing but carpet cleaner for that carpet you always wear. It's beginning to stink!

You're a mean one, Anubis,
You really are a pill,
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as a killl, Anubis.
You're a dirty carpet with a... greasy black spill!

You're a monster, Anubis,
Your heart's a black hole,
Your brain is full of spiders,
You've got garlic in your soul, Anubis.
I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!

Sel


December 5, 2005

Santa Snake,

Haven't shot any Tok'ra by "accident" this year. As such would like a guide to clearing snake infestations and other reptiles. Also want some of that Tok'ra punch I know Selmak stocks in her quarters.

Ja..Jimmy.

Dear Jack;

Santa says you can't have any of Sel's Special Punch as you call her Jake's HeadSnake all the time.

And Jack? Anise wants to get you a big Christmas kiss.

Sel

Letters to Santa Symbiote

  December 5, 2004

Dearest Santa baby.

I would luuuuve a new hot tub for Christmas this year since my last one was blown up and then torched by a bunch of jealous little girls who didn't understand why men prefer a real woman rather than little girls. Also I need some of that L'Oreal Pure Red hair dye to touch up my roots. Also I saw one of the Tok'ra wearing what appeared to be PVC, I would like an outfit like that but in gold.

With love, your Goddess,

Hathor

PS I'd really like this guy in my stocking for Christmas, as my children really need a father.

.

PPS - Don't you think our kids will be absolutely adorable? All those little red headed Goa'uld Symbiotes looking for hosts?

SCREAM - Selmak


December 7, 2004

Dear Santa Symbiote;

I'd like Samantha for Christmas.

Love;

Martouf & Lantesh

Dear Martouf of the Pearly Whites, and Lantesh;

This is NOT a dating service!

Unless your name is Selmak - Jake

WHAP!

Oh dear God, that hurt. I think I just got whiplash - Jake.

Besides, aren't you two.... visting Mom now? (That means aren't you dead?)

Selmak


December 7, 2004

Dear Santa Symbiote;

I've been a very good boy this year. I got promoted to the Head of HomeWorld Security & I've saved the world three or four times already. I'd really like a cute and cuddly, warm & fuzzy symbiote by the name of Selmak in my stocking.

Sincerely;

George Hammond, Lt. General, USAF

Dear George;

I'm just so gone! I'll see you soon! Can somebody keep an eye on Pookie while I'm gone? He needs to be walked three times a day and he gets hurt a lot.

Ah? Selmak - do you think I wouldn't realize that this email was forged?

George's email is NOT 3StarsRbetterThan2@HotTokra.com. - Jake

Sniff... sniff... it's not? Somebody was playing games on me... Sniff... Sniff...


December 7, 2004

Dear Santa,

Need an Asgard Beaming Device to escape crazy Fan Grrrls.

Love;

Malek

Dear Malek;

Join the club.

Jake, George & Bra'tac


December 7, 2004

Dear Santa,

I was wondering if you have any super deluxe fin massagers available, if so I would greatly appreciate owning one.

Queen Egeria (Mommy)

Dear Mommy,

I'd do anything for you, except you're not here anymore. You left me alone! Somebody's being really mean with these emails... I don't wanna play Santa Symbiote anymore... SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF... Jake can do it... WAAAAAAHHHH

I'm gonna go play Trans-Siberian Orchestra's Wish Liszt (Toy Shop Madness) really loud now, and I'm gonna play along on Air Guitar as it'll make me feel better... sniff... sniff...

Jack - this is Jake. Cut it with the emails, or George, Bra'tac and I will go postal on your little one starred ass.

Love you like a brother, but you're really beginning to irk me.

Jake

I'll break your fingers first, and then go from there. Trust me, it ain't gonna be pretty, but it will be so emotionally satisfying for me & the boys.


December 7, 2004

Dear Santa,

A new English rose, wildflower and pansy tea set would be very well received. Also a new and improved sarcophagus would be nice.

The Jade Emperor, Lord Yu-Huang Shang Ti

Santa

I recently received a transmission from the Tau'ri homeworld. As such I would enjoy Season 1 of a Tau'ri show named Wormhole EXtreme on what is known as a DVD. The piece of equipment to play this, a DVD Player would also be good.

Ba'al

Dear Santa,

A new make up box would be great, this constant death and rebirth thing does nothing for one's makeup.

Regards,

Your God, Apophis

Dear Apophis, Ba'al and Yu (Or should I say Jack).

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

You're going to find out shortly. Stop it with the joke emails. You're really upset my little invisible friend. Only I can make fun of her Santa Symbiote page and that because I'm paying for her website.

Jake

( & the boys )


Sel! We got a real letter to Santa Symbiote. Why don't you take a look at it and read it - Jake.

It's not that meanie, O'Neill? I don't why he's so mean to me. I try so hard with him. I got him a Simpson calendar last year and everything. How was I supposed to know he didn't like Jessica? Huh huh? Teal'c would have taken it!

Nope, it's a real-honest-to-goodness letter, Sel.


December 7, 2004

Dear Santa Symbiote,

All I want for Christmas is a night out and the tok'ra babysitter extraodinaire, Ka, refuses to do to babysit for me. Please put in a good word. The boys have promised not to tie her up or zat her.....Please talk to her.

Thanks,

Mom of mini jaffa

Dear Mom,

Jake and I will beam Ka right over to your house.

Major Dave is going to have to pay her rather well though - as the British Pound is worth a great deal more that your American Dollars. It's about 2 dollars per British pound right now, and with hazard pay for your little mini jaffa, Major Dave better study hard for his next promotion as it will be $22.50USD per hour to have Ka babysit.

Love;

Sel

PS - Jake is willing to drop Jack O'Neill off for free.

PPS - Has Junior found his way back? Or is he still floating around your household looking for a new friend?


December 18, 2004

It's getting close to Christmas, so I'm trying to put up the tinsel and the lights in the Tunnels. It's pretty darn hard to do especially since I don't have any hands.

(Sung to "Rudoph the Red Nose Symbiote...")

Selmak, the oldest of all the Tok'ra
Born a couple thousand years ago
She is one sassy and wise symbiote
Who really loves to make her host's eyes glow

On the day the Tok'ra met the Tau'ri
She received one strange and cranky new host
Who the bloody hell was Jacob Carter
A man? so that meant no more panty hose

Then one day in the pits of hell
Jacob called upon her and said
Selmak if we get through this night
I will make sure I treat you right

Next day SG-1 came to the rescue
Jake and Selmak were finally home free
Selmak, the wisest of all the Tok'ra
Lived together with Jacob happily

Selmak? Who wrote that?

A friend of mine, she emailed it to me. Kinda catchy isn't it? I'm waiting for the next two verses dealing with Bra'tac and George. Then we'll go caroling through the tunnels.


December 18, 2004

Dear Santa Symbiote,

I've been a really good little symbiote this year. I really have. I've put up with all the silly people who think I'm dead. I've been ever so sweet, and kind, and loving, and understanding of my host, like a good symbiote should be.

HA! - Jake

Could I have a nice autographed picture of Paul McGillion? And some nice, marshmallow and chocolate Tok'ra Treats.

Love,

Jolinar (current address: Samantha Carter)

P.S. Sam would love a Naquadria Generator. Would that be too much trouble?

P.P.S. I hope you don't mind if I don't leave some nice Tok'ra cookies and milk for you. I'm undercover.

Dear Jolinar? Jolly? Is that you? Really?

JACOB! SHRIEK! I SEE EMAIL FROM DEAD PEOPLE!!!!!!! AHHH!!!! WHY AM I GETTING ALL THESE EMAILS FROM DEAD PEOPLE!??!!?!

Sel - calm down, it's probably an intergalatic temporal rip of some sort. So that means that they're really alive, but just not in this time zone.

Oh yeah, you're right, we haven't had a temporal rip this week so we're overdue. Big Sigh of relief. Now I can back to the email.

Dear Jolly;

I've missed you very much. Santa knows that you're a good little symbiote even though you deal with a Cranky Carter....

HEY! - CRANKY CARTERS

And he knows how difficult that can be. Please expect one autographed Paul M photo in your stocking for Christmas, but understand that he's YOUR Paul M, not our Paul M. [Since Santa Symbiote likes Scottish Accents, he's sending potato scones, Irn Bru and black pudding, Paul's way.]

You'll also get plenty of Tok'Ra Treats, but Selmak recommends that you get a separate box for your host, as Cranky Carters have a tendency of swiping the best Chocolates when their symbiotes are sleeping.

Love;

Sel