Jacob Carter ~ Reviews

The door to the Intergalactic House of Ascended Waffles opened slowly. A little girl, with bright blue and curly blond hair, peered in, obviously hopeful that she might recognize a familiar face. Oma Desala looked up from the counter. She appeared to recognize the little girl, and she gave her a warm, welcoming smile.

“He’s not here yet, dearie. Why don’t you take a seat?”

“Are you sure?” the little girl asked. “I didn’t miss him, did I?”

The little girl trudged over to a free table, deliberately avoiding a big guy named Jim, who was grinning mischievously at the latest arrival in the Intergalactic House of Ascended Waffles. He meandered over in her direction, and the little girl looked apprehensive and then she quickly grew resolute.

“Hello, little girl? Are you looking for me?” Jim questioned cheerfully. “I really want to thank you for your recent help at Dakara.”

“Not looking for you,” the little girl said, before she deliberately kicked him in the knee. “You’re a meanie!”

“You little…,” Jim swore loudly and then he staggered out of the door.

“Sel…Sel… Sel… you haven’t learned anything from your last time here, have you?” Oma asked. “Though that was a good kick, dearie.”

“He’s here?” Sel asked Oma. “Why is HE here?”

“He’s waiting for someone… no… not who you’re waiting for,” Oma explained. She then yelled loudly, “Stack of Flemish checkerboards, frozen moo juice, dominated moo juice and redberries.”

“And powdered snow,” Selmak insisted. “That’s the best part, Oma! Don’t forget it!”

“And powdered snow!” Oma yelled.

Selmak proceeded to set up her laptop, hissing about the unseemliness of the Intergalactic House of Ascended Waffles not offering wireless service to their customers. She then purred happily after she hacked into the wireless network of the Ascended Burgers Shack located two doors down. Then she began energetically clacking away on her keyboard.

“Selmak, what are you doing?” Oma questioned.

“Keeping an eye on my Pookie,” Selmak explained.

“Not that,” Oma said, giving her a stern look. “You’re interfering. You did that last time.”

“I had to,” Selmak admitted.

Oma continued glaring at Selmak, and Sel finally admitted, “I talked to St. Pete. I wanted to make sure that someone would keep an eye on him. You know, he’s not very patient and he’s a bit of a klutz.”

“Because you want him to go one way, he wants to go the other, and his body ends up standing there with a big Red X on it,” Oma inserted. “It’s no wonder he gets hurt!”

“What if his wings are too big and he trips?” Sel asked tearfully. “What if he gets training wings, and he doesn’t realize that they’re training wings, so he overflies? What if my Pookie gets hurt and I’m not there to put a band aid on it? How is he ever going to get to sleep if I’m not there to sing him a lullaby? So I talked real fast, and they agreed to let him ascend.”

“In other words, you’re afraid of being alone, and you wanted him here with you,” Oma said in a very stern voice.

The little girl nodded her head sadly, and proceeded to sniff unhappily. “I’ve never been alone before…”

“And you’re in the appearance of a little girl so he won’t yell at you when he realizes that you shanghaied him out of heaven?” Oma questioned.

“Got it in one,” Sel stated quietly. "When he yells at me, I put a sad look on my face, I rub my tearing eyes and I begin to sniffle. He melts immediately."

The bell, announcing that Sel’s Belgium waffles with ice cream, strawberries, whipped cream and copious amounts of powdered sugar were done, rang, and Oma sighed.

“Be back in a minute,” Oma promised. “Let me deliver your meal, and then I have to talk to Daniel.”

“Daniel’s ascended again?” Sel asked. “I wish he’d send out forwarding notices. I get so confused is he alive, is he dead, is he ascended or is he in HoHoKus?”

“He’s neither alive nor ascended right now,” Oma explained. “You can’t talk to him.”

“But he’s my friend,” Selmak protested. “He was the only person at the SGC that readily admitted that he wanted all my symbiotic smartness. The rest just pretended to be my friend so they could use my brain.”

“Selmak…” Oma protested.

“Shhhh!!! Jake’s meeting his new future son-in-law right now,” Sel said, as she peered at the screen on the laptop. “I have to watch. I worry about Samantha….She’s got such an Electra complex due to her dad, and Jake’s never admitted it….”

Selmak peered at her screen and began muttering.

“Pete Shanahan -- Jacob Carter. Dad, this is Pete,” Samantha announced.

Samantha Carter looked like a deer frozen in the headlights of an oncoming Mach Truck going 70 MPH.

“Uh oh… this ain’t going well. It’s like first class tickets on the Titanic,” Sel thought. “I hear someone screaming, ‘All Hands Abandon Ship!’ while the band is playing, “Nearer, My God to Thee!” If I was still alive, I’d be singing it, just to annoy Pookie!”

Selmak sang softly for a bit, “There let the way appear, steps unto heav'n; All that Thou sendest me, in mercy given; Angels to beckon me Nearer, my God, to Thee. Nearer, my God, to Thee, Nearer to Thee!”

Naturally Pete made everything worse by calling Jake, “Dad!”

“Oh dear, this is a train wreck!” Sel thought. “Don’t punch him, Pook! It’ll be bad if you do that. But you can’t let him marry Samantha! Their kids will look like little Urgos! I just know it! I don’t any little Urgos calling me Granny Sel!”

Jake and the two love birds made small talk for a bit while Selmak shook her little head in dismay.

Then Pete lost any chance for marrying Selmak’s Daughter-in-Symbiote with a single question, “This is great! You've really got one of those things in your head?”

THING! THING! I AM NOT A THING!” Selmak screeched. “You better defend me, Pookie!”

Jacob growled, “If, by "one of those things", you mean a two thousand year old Tok'ra symbiote, yes.”

Oma arrived with Sel’s Belgium Waffles even while Sel sniffled happily.

“I knew he’d defend me, he’s the best host any girl could want! He even took a few hundred years off my age as he remembers I’m sensitive about my age,” Sel said happily. “Oma, he let me blow up a sun one time! Did I tell you that?”

“A dozen or so times,” Oma reminded Selmak.

“Sorry,” Sel muttered, as she continued staring at her laptop.

The door to the Intergalactic House of Ascended Waffles opened, and Sel looked up hopefully. She sighed and appeared crestfallen when she realized that the latest hungry diner wasn’t Jake.

“He’ll be here soon,” Oma promised. “He’s just got a few more chores that he has to do on Earth before he Ascends.”

“I didn’t want him to be Ascended,” Selmak wept. “I wanted him to live. I told him to bring the really big pair of Tok'Ra Tweezers to remove me and he forgot them in the cubicle. He promised me that he packed them… I swear…I didn't want my Pookie to die.”

Selmak wept for a bit, and Oma rubbed her back in consolation.

“Eat your waffles, dear, your ice cream is melting,” Oma insisted after a few minutes of Selmak sobbing.

“How can you even think of eating at a time like this?” Sel questioned. “But if you insist…”

Sel began eating her waffles, and Oma sighed as it was time to deal with Danny.

Selmak continued to watch after her Pook on her laptop.

“It’s the Big Father – Daughter conference,” she thought. “I should be there, as you’re just so rough, Jake!”

Jake tried to be the understanding father, assuring Samantha that he’d be happy with Pete because Pete made her happy. Then he claimed Selmak liked him much to the annoyance of Selmak.

“He’s a great judge of character,” Jake insisted.

“I’m dead, and you’re still worried that everyone is going to snicker because you’ve got a female headsnake?” Sel growled. “I don’t like Pete. He’s the type of guy that would go swimming with his dog in a swimming pool. That’s unsanitary. Besides, he called me a THING!”

“THING!” Selmak shrieked after a long dramatic pause. “I AM NOT A THING!

Jim then entered the Intergalactic House of Ascended Waffles, (Henceforth known as the IHAW) and Selmak shrunk behind her laptop, trying not to attract his attention. He walked over to her, and put his hand on her shoulder.

“Playing Freecell little girl?” Jim asked. “Let me give you some advice…”

Sel bit his hand. Since she appeared to be five years old, she figured she could get away with it. Jim bellowed in pain, once again cursing as he left the Intergalactic House of Ascended Waffles at something close to a lumbering run, and Selmak tried to get the taste of Anubis out of her mouth.

“Blah, blah, blah,” she spat. “Oma! Can I please have some ice water with lemon? Quick? It’s an EMERGENCY ~ ICE WATER WITH LEMON STAT ~ TABLE 9!!!!”

Fortunately Oma brought Selmak a quart of ice water and enough cut up lemons on the side to make Selmak quickly forget the sickeningly bitter sweet taste of Anubis.

“Do you think I need a rabies shot?” Sel asked Oma in concern. “I don’t want to start foaming at the mouth!”

The door opened and closed again, and Selmak sighed sadly. She had stopped watching the laptop a while ago as she couldn’t bear to watch Jacob say goodbye to his family, friends and Fred and Barney from the Tok’Ra. She had always liked Fred and Barney from the Tok’Ra as they were older, balding hosts, but she had never mentioned that to Jake as he would have gotten jealous.

Instead of watching Jake pass on, she was sadly reading her emails from her website, full of nasty hate mail from people blaming her for the death of Jacob.

“But it’s not my fault, really,” she said, wiping tears from her eyes. “People are so mean and fickle. One week, they love my site and now they're burning me in effigy.”

She sighed again, and ate her waffle.

It was her seventeenth waffle since she arrived, and in all honesty, she was getting extremely tired of them, but it’s all Oma would serve her. If she wanted Sushi, she’d have to go the Interdimensional House of Ascended Sushi, but Selmak worried that Jake wouldn’t be able to find her there.

“He’s still not here,” she whimpered. “I bet he got lost without me. He’s probably sucking down Mai Tais in Heaven right now. I bet that he’s already tripped over his wings without me to help him. He probably has a boo boo that I need to fix!”

Someone sat down at her table, and said, “Hello, Selmak.”

Sel looked up hopefully, and then she sadly whispered, “Hi, Danny.”

“Fancy meeting you in a place like this,” he explained.

“Waiting for Jake,” she explained. “I don’t want to go ahead without him. He has to help me with the Ascension Paperwork.”

“Paperwork?” Danny questioned.

“You forgot about it. It’s 10,000 pages long,” Selmak explained. “I need him to review it.”

She showed him the paperwork, which she had filled out in green crayon, as the IHAW didn’t have any pens.

“Occupation?” Daniel questioned. “You crossed out Goa’uld beater-upper and put down Website Designer. I’ve seen your site, Sel.”

“Really?” Sel asked hopefully. “Did you like it?”

“Better change it back to Goa’uld beater-upper,” Daniel admitted.

Sel sighed, as apparently nobody liked her site except for her.

“Have you seen my Pookie?” she asked sadly.

“Jacob’s Pookie? I knew you were female, but I didn’t realize old Blood n’ Guts Jacob Carter’s nickname was Pookie,” Danny laughed.

Sel gave him a very dirty look.

“He was a great host!” Sel protested. “Jacob was the BEST TOK’RA HOST EVER! He was going to win the Best Tok’Ra Host of the Year award this year because he and I defeated the evil Replicarter! Plus…”

“He let me blow up a sun,” the two of them said at the very same time.

“You know, I wish you wouldn’t make fun of me,” Sel protested. “Jake and I were really worried when you got kidnapped by Replicarter. We were! Nobody else cared, but we did! They just blew it off saying, ‘Oh Danny boy will be back, he never stays dead’ and stuff like that.”

“Did not,” Danny protested.

“Did too,” Sel retorted.

“Did NOT!” Danny protested.

“I tivoed it,” Sel assured him. “I believe Fruit Loops Boy mentioned that he wasn’t going to have a memorial service for you because you weren’t dead, and that he wasn’t going to say nice things about you because that meant you’d show up knickersless on the ramp right after he finished talking.”

“Thanks, Jack,” Danny mumbled.

“You know, I put in my Ascension contract that Jacob can’t de-ascend knickersless,” Sel suggested helpfully. “You might want to look into it.”

The door opened to the IHAW, and Sel looked up. Then her face brightened.

“He’s here! He’s here!” She whispered. “Oma! We need Coffee, lots of it! Hurry!”

Oma immediately poured a half pot of coffee into a very large cup, and then disappeared behind the counter again. Meanwhile, Jake appeared confused and annoyed as though he was looking for someone in particular.

“You better go back, Danny. Remember, if you want to date Sammy, Jake would approve,” Selmak advised him. “I know she’s got that little thing with O’Neill, but I think you’d be much better for her.”

Danny appeared confused by Selmak’s unsolicited romantic advice and then he left the booth. He went over to the counter and he began talking to Oma. Sel sat quietly, trying to appear like a good little girl, though she wanted nothing more than to run over and hug HER Jacob.

He stopped at the booth and gave her a very long, extremely annoyed look.

Sel tried to ignore him, instead focusing on sucking down her chocolate milkshake. For good measure, she kicked her little feet around as they were too short to reach the floor. She was radiating Cuteness, and she could feel Jacob's anger begin to fade.

"You've got powdered sugar all over your face," he snarled.

"Could you wipe it off?" Sel asked, before adding, "Plleeeeeease?"

He wiped her face off with a napkin and she gave him another smile, radiating CUTENESS like a Sun shining on a bright summer day.

“I’ve been symbiotically shanghaied from my Heaven,” Jake growled. “Selmak, you are… entirely too much…. Why?”

“I was afraid…” Selmak said in a very soft voice, trying to appear as heartbreakingly sad as possible. “I didn’t want to be alone. I’ve never been completely alone before…not for longer than a minute or two... ”

For good measure, she added a chin quiver which caused Jake to roll his eyes. Inwardly, Selmak laughed as that gesture meant that she had won the battle and the war.

Jake sat down next to her, gulped down his coffee and sighed, “What now?”

“We have to take classes. Ascension 101, Ascension 102, and Cryptic Comments 101, 102, 210, 212, 310, 312, 313, 314 and 401. Plus a whole lot of other classes. First, we’ve got to practice glowing,” she explained.

She motioned for Jake to leave the seat and then she followed him.

“Take my hand,” she instructed. “Now… think glowing thoughts.”

And then the two Ascendants glowed and drifted out of the IHAW, leaving behind a half-eaten waffle and an empty coffee cup.

To sign the Jacob / Selmak Book of Ascendancy, please click here. To read what others have written about The Odd Couple... errr.. The Dynamic Duo... please click here.

Don't cry for us, we've Ascended,
The truth is we'll never leave you
All through our rebel days;
Now our ascension;
Sel kept her promise
Don't keep your distance

Sel & Jacob

Season 8 ~ That Episode

Oma always has time for Selmak

Eat your waffles, dearie, the ice cream's melting ~ Oma.