Jacob Carter ~ Reviews


Yes, Sel.

I'm not feeling so good, would you mind doing the review for Reckoning for both you and Bra'tac? Please?

Sel, that's your favorite part of your website! You don't want to make any snarky comments?

No, I think I had too many treats as I feel icky.

You ok, Sel?

Yes, have I ever told you that you're my favorite host? Even if you do yell at me all the time about my little fascination with George. What can I say, it's because he's big, bald and beautiful.

And I'm not?

Well, you are, but you're not George as you're not from Texas. You're from what? Joisey? <weak laugh> I'll just take a nap and you do the review.

Jake here, Selmak's letting me handle the review today as she had too many Tok'Ra treats. The two of us were going to Earth to discuss the current situation with when Selmak made a few suggestions, she wanted a few more pounds of Tok'Ra Treats. She also wanted me to swipe a piece of Tok'Ra technology and bring it to Earth so we'd be able to view where all the Goa'uld mother ships were.

Are you sure about this, Sel? The council's not going to be happy.

Screw the council, Jake. If we asked for permission, they'd never give it to us, so let's just swipe it and go.

They're really not my type.

Pffffft. Make sure you bring my crystal with all the pictures of my previous hosts. I'll want to view the girls again.

Sel? Is everything ok?

Yes. I hope we can meet Pete. I'm rather curious about our future son-in-law.


Our! I really hope that he isn't too much like you. I mean, Samatha's been having that Electra complex issue in her relationships for too long.

Don't get me started on that, Selmak!

Well, come on, you know it's true. Jack is too much like you! She should hook up with someone like George if she's looking for a Daddy figure to date.


We were still arguing about that George comment and Electra when we got to Earth. Naturally, Jack got upset when we cut to the chase and told him that we were having a Galactic-wide problem.

"Don't I get a hello? Don't I get a congrats?" Jack whined.

Pook - congratulate him on his Star. Apparently they just hand them out to anyone.

We congratulate him, and then Jack gets upset as he didn't realize that we had a Big, Galactic Emergency on our hands.

I wish George was still here, Pook.

You, me and the rest of America.

Yes, Ba'al is getting his little fanny kicked by the Repli-carter. On one hand, I'm glad it's happening, but we don't really want the Repli-carters taking over. Meanwhile Danny is kidnapped, no one seems to care except for Selmak and me.

Weird. It's almost like I've fallen into an alternative dimension. Meanwhile Bra'tac and Teal'c want to start a fire to get the Jaffa Rebellion moving again.Jack and I get into a discussion of strategy, and he doesn't like it when I give it to him straight. In my eyes, the Jaffa rebellion has failed.

Jack gets extremely rude and wants to know if it's me talking or Selmak.

To my surprise, Selmak doesn't mentally hiss or threaten him with a fate worse than death after that comment, instead Selmak just sighs and says that she's just tired of his abuse and blatant anti-Selmak-ism.

One of these days, he won't have me to kick around, and he'll be sorry then! - Selmak

Reckoning Part II

Ok, I’m going to close my eyes and trance down to talk directly to Selmak. It’s a little weird doing this and I’ve never had an audience when we’ve done this. This is the interface between host and symbiote. As you can see we’re in a crystal hallway, looking suspiciously like a Tok’Ra Tunnel. There is a big door on one side that says “JAKE’s” and a smaller door that says “Selmak’s” directly opposite it.

I always knock before I enter Selmak’s personal space. I learned my lesson the hard way, because the very first time I needed to talk to her about a personal matter I walked in on Marilyn Monroe wearing nothing but a towel.

A very loud, tied dyed towel, but still a towel.

Marilyn was Selmak’s Avatar at that time, and Selmak-Marilyn screamed loudly, “You have to knock, Jacob! What if I was entertaining?”

Naturally, I didn’t ask who she might be entertaining because I really don’t want George or Bra’tac in her mind anymore than they already were. Both of them are great guys, but please! Sel! Just a little quieter on those thoughts!

Whenever I enter Selmak’s personal conference area, I’m never sure who I’m going to be seeing as Selmak’s Avatar. Some days it’s Rita Hayworth, Ava Gardner, Tina Turner, Gina Lollobrigida, or God help me, she was Anne Bancroft for a very long week. Do you have any idea what it’s like trying to have a personal conversation with your very own mental Mrs. Robinson and those damn pantyhose?

I knock politely and I hear a faint, “Come in.”

When you enter Selmak’s personal space, you need to be forewarned that it’s awfully crowded. There are all sorts of awards on the wall, e.g. Tok’Ra Symbiote of the Year, Tok’Ra Symbiote of the Decade, Tok’Ra Symbiote of the Millennia, and all that stuff. There’s also a lot of Tok’Ra Host of the Year awards for her previous hosts. It’s rather irksome that I notice all the awards have stopped since the moment I became her host.

Since she felt bad for me not getting any awards, Selmak made up a little award for me. It’s rather garish, to be honest, as Selmak put a hologram on it, so if you have the time, you can watch the sun get sucked into a Stargate over and over and over again. It’s the “Bestest Host in the Entire Universe as He Let Me Blow Up a Sun!” Award.

That’s my Sel, always interested in a little intergalactic destruction on a cosmic scale.

If you look further, there’s also a picture of Delek which has been attached to a dartboard. It looks like a pin cushion as Sel has scored repeatedly on it. There have been days where I’ve watch Delek’s face get nailed with ninety dozen darts flung by one irate symbiote. On the other side of the room there’s a faded picture of Selmak and Egeria, two little symbiotes smiling for the camera just after Selmak was given the first Tok’Ra Symbiote of the Year award.

Yeah, I know, there’s no way they could have gotten a picture of the symbiotes on that auspicious day, but everything here is just Selmak’s attempt to match my “private” conference room. I’ve got a couple awards up on the wall, pictures of the kids, grandkids and my wife, stuff like that, so naturally she had to outshine me just to remind me that she’s thirty billion years old while I’m a punk kid.

Sel's absolute pride and joy is a big bulletin board with pictures of various Systems Lords that she’d been responsible for offing. She feels a maternal pride in SG1 because of my relationship with Sam so she’s included a few of their kills also.

Hell of a lot of dead Goa’ulds there, Sel. Your mom would be proud of you.

To my surprise, as I was expecting Ava Gardner today, Sel is actually looking like a six year old Samantha, and she is lying in her bed. Sel looks sick and she’s got a thermometer in her mouth. She’s also clutching her rag dolls, George Hammond with the three stars, Bra’tac and Jake Carter complete with Boo-Boos.

I don't remember ever getting THAT hurt, even though I swear that the doll includes every paper cut I ever got from being a Pentagon Desk Jockey.

No Ava today? No Madonna? No Nathan Lane from “The Birdcage”?

Sel just shakes her head, and coughs softly. She takes out the thermometer, looks at it and sighs.

Selmak? Selmak? Aren’t you going to do the review for Reckoning II? People are wondering why it's not up yet.

I’m just not feeling up to it, Pook, could you do it again? For you and Bra’tac?

Sel? This is really weird. I figured you’d want a full review of George as he’s mentioned all of two times in this episode.

It’s up to you, Pook. How ever you want to do it is fine with me.

I pick her up and put her into my lap.

Our episode starts off with Jacob deciding to have a little father-daughter bonding moment with Samantha…

And Symbiote! You always forget me! Sel protested in a tired, little girl voice.

And Selmak also, having a little father-daughter-symbiote bonding moment trying to decipher the Ancient Weapon that might allow Anubis to destroy all life in the universe and repopulate it…

With walking, talking carpets, Selmak inserted. If you’re going to do the review, Jake, you got to be witty. That's why the people come to Selmak.org ~ for the eye candy and the humor!

Yes, and Anubis wants to repopulate the universe with fellow walking talking carpets. There will be the walking talking shag carpets, the walking talking Jaffa Oriental carpets…

Funny, Jacob! Amusing reviews not silly ones!!

Forgive me, Selmak…. With walking talking carpets of all types and sizes….

Jacob's Review

Ba'al is attempting to juggle far too many balls in the air. He wants to take out Anubis, but he wants our help. Meanwhile General O’Neill sends his team of Crack Aces, that being Selmak, Samantha and me [As Danny's been RepliCarter-Napped in the previous episode] to the Temple at Dakara where we’re supposed to figure out the weapon before Anubis gets there. We get there to discover there’s a large wall full of Ancient writing.

There’s a problem, as I can’t make heads or tails of Danny’s notebooks. He’s scribbled notes on the sides, upside down, and just all over the place. Meanwhile Selmak is getting annoyed. What she’s been deciphering isn’t making any sense to her.

"Midday, the darkness is high in the sky” "the wind blows on the pillow" and "three days to the chicken," what the CENSORED is this ? Were the Ancients all on CENSORED? Did Timothy Leary help them?

Sel, I know you’re not feeling well…

Sorry, Pook. I’ll get cracking on this again. Sigh. The Dog Howls at the Spiny Toad. A Spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down?

Where? Where did they say that?

Then Samantha realizes that we need to revolve the circular disks in order to put the words in the correct position. We’ve been apparently reading them upside down.

We rotate the disks and the temple starts to shake.

You break it, you bought it! Selmak laughs.

Into the newly exposed chamber we walk. I put my hand on a device, and apparently I have the Ancient Gene as the screen lights up. Inside my head a little green symbiote is beginning to dance, doing the Macarena with her flippers, and sing, My host has the Ancient Gene. My host has the Ancient Gene! Stick THAT into your pipe and smoke it, O’Neill. You’re not so special after all!


My host has the Ancient Gene….


My host has the Ancient Gene! Errr… Sorry, Jake. Got a little over-excited there.

After a lot of intense technobabble, we discover that we have a solution to the Replicarter! The only problem is we need Ba’al’s help to set up the gates to allow for simultaneous activation of all the StarGates.

Naturally, Ba’al shows up and wants to gloat. I’ll pause now to let Selmak boo Big Bad Ba’al.

Booo… boooo, Sel says in a tired voice.

We explain the situation to him, and he gets nasty.

“I cannot believe I'm even considering co-operating with a female of the Tau'ri ….and a Tok'Ra,” Ba’al snipes.

And what did Selmak, Secret Tok’Ra Operative, Queen of Symbiote Sarcasm say to that? I questioned Selmak.

Sel shakes her head.

She said, I’m not any Tok’Ra, I’m SELMAK, Super Symbiote! Prepare to die, Goa’uld Scum, AS YOU’RE DEAD ONCE THE GATES ACTIVATE!

She must have mentioned her incredible sidekick host, Super Pookie, Sel inserted. I know Selmak did, because Pookie’s her favorite host. He let blow up a Sun one time! No one else ever let her do that!

No, you called me General Jacob Carter, I reminded her. You were being serious for once.

Really? I really must be ill, Selmak stated dryly.

Anyway, Ba’al is doing the All Knowing Infallible God spiel so I tell Samantha, “Selmak can’t work like this. Neither can I.”

I appreciate you defending me, no one else cared that Ba’al was bothering me, Sel sniffed.

Well, I cared, as he was doing everything except twirling his cheesy mustache, I informed Sel.

We get the weapon to work finally, given much needed time to thanks to a great deal of help from a very heroic Danny who’s still being held captive by the Evil Replicarter, and then we activate it. Then a gigantic burst of energy goes through the Stargate and throughout all the entire Universe.

All the Mindless, Evil Replicators fall into little pieces of motionless silicon.

What this means for Daniel, I don't know... but guess what else that means, Selmak? I questioned Sel.

Sel’s asleep in my arms, clutching her Jacob Carter rag doll. I pick her up; put her back into bed, making sure that she’s covered. For good measure, I put the George and Bra’tac dolls next to her sleeping form. What the hell, she thinks she’s woman enough to handle the three of us, and who am I to disagree?

And it means that Selmak has saved the universe once again.

Season 8 ~ Reckoning Parts I & II

Jack welcomes us with open arms.
[Naturally it's because he wants
something from me - Sel]

Where did you get your General's star from?
The bottom of a box of Fruit Loops? - Sel

Samantha? What the hell happened to the sleeves on your shirt? Go put
on a shirt with SLEEVES! - Jake

Did the USAF run out of money for sleeves? Do we need to run
a bake sale? I could make some Tok'Ra Treats. - Sel

Jake Carter & Selmak - saving the universe once again.