Jacob Carter ~ Reviews

What can I say about this episode? I was lying on that uncomfortable stone couch with Saroosh waiting to kick the bucket, and then Garshaw informed me that they might have a new host for me, so to hang on.

"I hope it's one of those men in green," Anise purred. "They're rather hubba-hubba."

With my last dying breath, I informed Garshaw that my final request was to get Anise the hell outta my life... or at least outta the room.

So then my new host showed up. To be honest, and don't tell Jake, Saroosh and I were rather disappointed. He was a distinct color of green and he looked like he should be lying on the uncomfortable stone couch next to us.

Saroosh, we better move over, as this guy looks worse than we do. Do you think that they picked him up at a Clearance Sale for Battered Hosts? He looks like ten light years of bad highway.

Selmak! ~ Saroosh

Better move over, Saroosh, they'll be throwing him into the Chappa'ai right after us. I think they're planning on having three funerals for the price of one.

Selmak, shut up. Let me talk to him.

Then Saroosh gave me such a character reference it brought tears to my little symbiote eyes and I immediately forgave her for telling me to shut up.

Saroosh: Selmak is a wonderful Tok'ra, she is selfless and caring, she is good company, she has a wonderful sense of humor. I've had almost two hundred years of laughter thanks to Selmak. I'm biased, of course, but I believe that Selmak is among the best educated of the Tok'ra. You will probably be overwhelmed by the knowledge and wisdom you will gain upon blending.

Then I got out the big bright spotlight and starting asking Jake the tough questions.

"Do you snore?"

"You don't eat hot, spicy food, do you? It gives me indigestion."

"Most importantly, do you eat enough fiber for the both of us?"

He got indignant, so I told him, "If I am to spend the next hundred or more years with you as my host, do you not think I have the right to decide if I even like you?"

Jake assured me that we'd have a great time together, "What's not to like? Just ask my daughter, I'm a teddy bear."

Jake didn't notice the look of stunned disbelief on his daughter's face and the really big deep breath she took before answering that question, "Oh yeah, real... teddy bear."

Great. I gotta heal him and then fix his relationship with his daughter. It's time to get the Ask Sel column out again. Apparently they picked this guy up from the Clearance Rack at the Dysfunctional Tau'ris R' Us.

What is it about the Son That Will Never Be Mentioned Again anyway?

I continued to ask him trick questions when Jake put me into my place.

"And I'll die too, unless we do this. So my point is, good man, bad man, what difference does it make? We don't have a choice. And I don't mind telling you the whole idea scares the hell outta me. So can we just get it over with?"

Selmak, I like him. He'll keep you humble! ~ Saroosh

You know as the oldest and wisest of the Tok'ra I should get more respect. I really should.

"Ok, you big hunk, kiss me," Saroosh purred.

What a tart! But that's my Saroosh. In Saroosh's prime, Anise couldn't compare to her and Saroosh always kept her navel covered.

Jake gave her a smooch that besides curling her toes, literally killed her and then I jumped into Jake's body where I immediately went to work renovating everything in sight.

Jake Whumping -


He's dying and they shot him through the Chappa'ai- so give him 6 Whumps out of 5.


See above - 6 Whumps out of 5.

Selmak Saves Jake From:


A life of peace and quiet AKA Boredom.

Jake Quotes -

Old Man Carter: I told you not to recall her.

George: You wanted me to tell you what Captain Carter does, so I thought maybe she could tell you herself.

Old Man Carter: Yeah? What happened to the classification?

George: It's still classified. But you just got clearance.

Old Man Carter: Why?

Sam: Well, believe it or not, we need your help, Dad.

Old Man Carter: What? The Pentagon wants me to deliver a message to God when I get up there?

George: Not exactly

Old Man Carter: Well I don't plan to see the other guy.

Old Man Carter: You don't look so good.

Selmak: You are no vision of beauty yourself, Sir!

See that's me, telling him who's gonna be the boss in our relationship.

Old Man Carter: So when the little fella inside of me is talking, do I sound like she does?

Selmak - Little fella? LITTLE FELLA? I'm a girl, Jake! And I'll have you know that since I'm almost twenty four inches long, when I stretch really hard, that I'm the biggest, baddest symbiote in the entire universe.

Old Man Carter: It's strange, because I can feel myself talking, but I'm not saying the words.

Selmak: You better believe it, Pookie. I'm running the show here. I'm gonna talk as much as I want. And you can't stop me.

Then can you believe it, somebody asks Pookie how he feels. Does he say what a great lovable symbiote I am as I saved his sorry ass? No...

Old Man Carter: Considering I have one of those things inside of me, pretty good!

Selmak: THINGS? THINGS! I'm A TOK'RA! Jake, you gotta get a few things straight here. I'm a girl. I'm a Tok'ra. I'm not a fella. I'm not a thing. I'm Selmak.

Selmak Scenes

I think Saroosh and I made a rather weak first impression, I mean, we were lying there on that uncomfortable stone couch. But our snappy and sparkling wit made up for it.

Jake's Comments

If I had only know what I was getting myself into, I would have brought coffee and assorted boxes of chocolate along with me, plus a box of ramen noodles. Tok'ra's cuisine is a little rough.

Selmak's Comments Part II-

Don't I even get a Thank you?

Jake's Comments Part II-

Thanks, Sel. But what about my hairline? Can you fix it?

Selmak's Comments Part III-

Sniff. Sniff.

I miss my Saroosh... she never complained about her hair, and she used to let me braid it. We used to sit around and chat about the hot little male Tok'ra operatives in their tight leather pants.... Sniff... Sniff... Jake... can we do that? Pleeeaasaseeee.

Jake's Comments Part III-

I hate when she cries, because she really needs to blow her nose after she cries and she doesn't have any hands.

As for sitting around and talking about boys?


No way in hell.

I'm not from the Don't Ask, Don't Tell generation. I'm from the I Don't Even Think So Generation.

Season 2 ~ The Tok'Ra

My poor little Pookie! Don't worry! I'll heal you.

First time Saroosh and I met Jake. Saroosh thought he was cute.

You know, maybe this Tok'Ra lady will rub the rough edges off me. ~ Jake
And I did! ~ Sel

The blending.

Moving into my new penthouse apartment. I'm rather embarassed that
someone took a picture of me absolutely buck nekked. It must have
been Lantesh. It's his type of humour.

Jake's got a headache, and I'm rather squashed.

So this is what it's like being in a male host.
Eeek. Is it too late to turn him in for a female host?