Dear Sel,

January 23, 2006


I was wondering if you know if Don is or was into any martial arts at all?

Only because he worked as a stuntman and was a fighting double and I read as well that he was trained in fighting in one of his interviews. However, he didn't state what fighting abilities he was trained in.

Any info would help.

Thank you for your time.


EEEEEK!! EEEEEK! We've got a serious question! DEFCON1! WHAT DO I DO!?!?! ~ Sel

How about answering it? ~ Long Suffering Jacob, Bra'tac & George.

Oh! You boys are so smart! ~ Sel

Dear E,

You're in luck - my Top Secret Tok'Ra Source was able to get an answer for you, as they know someone, that knows someone, that knows someone, that knows someone, that knows someone, that supposedly is related to someone that supposedly is the barber of someone that can get an answer to your question. Or maybe not, I sometimes get my Top Secret Jaffa Source confused with my Top Secret Tok'Ra Source.

I hope this answers your question.

"I received some standard hand-to-hand combat training when in the Army and was involved in athletics in high school and intramural sports in college. Other than that and some tips and training from various stunt coordinators I've never had any formal training in martial arts."


January 17, 2006

Dear Selmak-

You wouldn't BELIEVE the crazy things happening at the SGC right now! Jack came back and beeyatch slapped Cameron Mitchell right off the base as George chased Hank Landry around with his bullwhip and demanded his office back! Once the two interlopers were gone (FINALLY!!!! But since they are our superior officers, we SHOULD have at least a moment of feeling sad that they're gone...okay, done!),

George, I mean General Hammond, decided that it was a day for celebration, so we held a basewide talent show. For his magic trick, Daniel Jackson Descended Janet Fraiser (I always knew he had a thing for her...) and then she proceeded to grace us with her stunning rendition of Shania Twain's "That Don't Impress Me Much". I thought you should at least get to see the words of this masterpiece...

I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smart
But you've got being right down to an art
You think you're a genius-you drive me up the wall
You're a regular original, a know-it-all
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're an archaeologist...
That don't impress me much
So you got the brains but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much

I never knew a guy who carried a mirror in his pocket
And a comb in his hat-just in case
And all that extra hold gel in your hair oughtta lock it
'Cause Heaven forbid it should fall outta place

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're George Hammond...
That don't impress me much
So you got the looks but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much

You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine
You make us take off our shoes before you let us get in
We can't believe you kiss your truck good night
C'mon Colonel tell us-you must be jokin', right!

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're Jack O'Neill...
That don't impress me much
So you got the moves but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night

That don't impress me much
You think you're cool but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm on the long, cold, lonely night
That don't impress me much

Okay, so what do you think you're Ba'al or something...
Okay're Apophis...Lord Yu...Cronus...
That don't impress me much!

Do you think that everybody on the base has lost their minds? I certainly do...

An Anonymous SGC Janitor

Sel wonders if perhaps she should have held off answering this letter as it appears to deal with the upcoming episode RIPPLE EFFECT and an alternative universe.

Unfortunately all of the Alternative Universe Selmaks HAVING NOT BEEN KILLED OFF TO PROMOTE JACK AND SAMMY TRU WUV SHIPPING are too busy beating up goa'ulds to answer this question.

All Ascended Sel can say is, she really doesn't make up these letters.

She'd also suggest that you treat SG season 9 like a completely new show. Fargate and Starscape.

That's what she is doing, and wondering who the hell are all these new people?

Why didn't Carolyn suit up and talk to Daddy when he was dying instead of sitting in a comfie chair and looking down on him? Why is Cam Mitchell Kirking his way across the universe? How the heck do they pour Vala into that outfit?

But Sel is glad to see that with General Landry in charge, SLEEVES are no longer OPTIONAL at the SGC! Thank you, Hank!

January 15, 2006

Dear Sel,

I just thought for a moment that I should play devil's advocate...after all if I was Samantha Carter, and I'm not saying that I am...I would want you to know that Jacob telling me to find happiness, and my commanding officer- who shall remain nameless- were both hallucinations...therefore, you weren't there to interpret (not that I don't love you, Sel.)

Uh, well, that's all...

Hopelessly in Love (and in Trouble with Daddy)

Dear Daddy's Little Lite Colonel,

Ok, I'll pretend that you're not Samantha Carter. <wink!>

Two things, I thought you were talking about that Episode that Never Will Be Mentioned Again as it was Nothing More than A Quick Way to Get Rid of the Tok'Ra for Season 9 of Fargate, not the one with the psychedelic, talking cloud named Grace.

Are you REALLY sure that your Dad told you to date Jack? Dad doesn't think Jack's good enough for his little Lite Colonel and you did imagine that little sentient cloud named Grace was talking to you. You might have imagined everything else.

Selly yours,


PS ~ In your daddy's eyes, you can do no wrong ~ except if you still keep that candle burning for you know who.

Repeat after me.


I can't hear you!

January 14, 2006

Dear Sel,

What do you do when you're hopelessly in love with your commanding officer, and you think he might just be a 'safe bet'?

What do you do when your dad outright says that your only chance of
happiness is with said CO?

Saman...oops, Hopelessly In Love

Dear Sammy,

Do you mind if I call you Sammy? It's what your daddy always calls you, except when you're in trouble, and then you're Samantha Anne Carter.

Sammy, let Mamma Sel be completely honest with you.

You deserve better than a safe bet.

Plus, I don't remember your daddy saying that your only chance of happiness is with that CO. I was there, I was dying, but I was there, and he just wanted you to be happy. He didn't say with WHOM.

Your current relationship with Jack is not a healthy one nor is it condoned by current military regs.

Bluntly, add only a few years, take away some of his hair and remove his scar from his eyebrow, Jack could be your Dad in personality and charm (Err... lack of it.).


George is charming, Jacob, you're... a tad bit on the cranky side, Pookie ~ Sel


Excuse me, I'm giving Sammy some maternal advice, can you just settle down for a bit? ~ Sel

Grumble, ok... ~ Jacob, who is NOT cranky

In his own mind ~ Sel

HEY! ~ Jacob

Ok - where was I? Jack is Jake ReDux... Deserve better.. blah blah...oh ok!

Sammy, Jack needs to get over Sara and Charlie, yes, he's made significant changes in his life, but he's still got issues, girlfriend. And you've got a large Electra Complex on Daddy Jake.

Sel's suggestion?

Have hot monkey sex with Jack, repeatedly.

Bang him until the cows come home, girlfriend. Get all that unresolved sexual tension and all those oozing hormones out of your system and then go to a big, bald Texan by the name of George Hammond (as you can't afford Dr. Phil on your USAF salary) and get some advice.

After all, his uncle was a wedding planner.

Then run to counseling, as all your boyfriends end up dead or brain damaged or just yacked. You must have unrepressed guilt about that... and you need to work on it before you and Jack start a serious relationship.

But Samantha, your biological clock is ticking.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Don't you want to make me a Granny? Jack won't marry you until one of you is out of the service. He's JUST not that into you that he's willing to give up his career and become Mr. Mom.

You might decide to bang him, and move on, as your BIOLOGICAL CLOCK is TICKING... have I mentioned that?

I'll start crocheting the little booties! They'll be Selmak green.



PS ~ If you really want to indulge in your Daddy Complex, why don't you bang George? Then immediately email me with all the details, girlfriend. I'll put your daddy on hold, and he'll never knowl

Samantha Anne ~ this is your father. I will KNOW, and I will NOT approve of you and George... I can't even say it... Jacob


November 23, 2005


Looks like Carmen autographed an Avon teddy bear which was then auctioned off to raise $$ for breast cancer research.

Look here for the info & nice picture:

Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. The Teddy sold at auction for $250.00 which, as far as I could tell, was the highest amount for any celebrities teddy bear!!

Don't you go bein' jealous of that cute little bear, being held so close by CA ...

Julie in Oz

Dear Julie;

Yes, isn't that great? I tried to bid but SOMEBODY cancelled my PLATINUM Tok'ra Cards when I ascended (*cough* Jacob Carter *cough*) so I couldn't bid.

And I think that bear should be jealous of *ME* as I was wrapped around Jake's brainstem for seven years.



PS Jake? Can I have my platinum card back please?

November 23, 2005

Dear Sel,

1. I think we should all buy lottery tickets in our respective states, pledging any proceeds to the operational costs of "SelmakCon", which will feature all of Sel's Boys. Of course, we'd have to hit for at least $25K to make such a con feasible!

2. I nominate Lou Gossett, Jr. (Gerak) as a new Sel's Boy. Although Gerak is an antagonist, Gossett has played plenty of attractive heroes in his career! (For examples, see the IRON EAGLE films.)

Yours till Niagra Falls,


Dear Gilder;

I love the idea of the Selapalooza!

That would be soooo cool to have all the boys there. Plus we'd have to invite other cool actors like Mitch Peliggi, Douglas Arthurs, Vince Crestjo and David Palffy. Oh... and Gary Jones and Dan Shea (think they'd shave their heads if we asked them real nice?) As for Lou? Well, I have my flippers full with three boys.

Anymore and it would be greedy. Momma always said to be nice and share!

Love & Kisses,


November 17, 2005

Dear Sel,

Just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday for her website!

Yeah, I know it’s late but you know the saying, ‘Better late than never!’

May you bring us many more pictures of Carmen! Oh, and those other two bald guys too! :P May we read many, many more of your sassy, witty comments! Continue to drive Jake crazy! And one more thing…size doesn’t matter! We don’t care how many inches you are because you’ve got a great big heart and that’s all that matters! I’m sure Jake would agree with me even though you can be a real pain in the neck to him!

Forever a fan,


Dear JF,

Thank you for your kind words. Have no fears, I will continue to bring you all the latest dirt on Da Boys as quite frankly, since I ascended, I have absolutely no life whatsoever. That means I can screen cap for hours, watching our boys do their stuff.

Love and Kisses,


October 21, 2005

Dear Sel,

I really enjoy your site Selmak. It is always a pleasure to find enjoyable info on my favorite sci-fi show. And you are correct, George, Bra'tac and Jacob are really eye candy(well actually more soul candy) I have your site stored in my favorites.

Tok'ra symbiotes rule!!!!

Dear AOhadi2336,

May I call you AOhadi for short?

Thank you for your kind words about my website. I like recieving positive feedback on my site, as all too often Mean Goa'ulds write in and made nasty comments. Then I have to track them down and zat them three times just to protect my boys' honor.

What can you expect of someone whose Momma was Hathor, right?

Hugs and Wet Tok'Ra Symbiote kisses;


October 5, 2005

Bonjour, selmak,

Pourrai-tu répondre à cette question? Pourquoi le sol ne se dématerialise pas à l'ouverture du vortex? Sur le forum de Quasargate on se pose la question et nous ne sommes pas d'accord sur la réponse.

Ma réponse: Regardez bien l'ouverture d'une porte et où se trouve le flux de particule. le vortex se fait au centre de la porte donc il ne peut pas y avoir de trou dans le sol. Sauf si la porte est couchée sur le sol.

Celle de l'administrateur de Quasargate.

Bien sûr j'avais remarqué ; sauf que mème sans le tourbillon devant, le vortex à lui seul crée une dématèrialisation de la matière donc le sol qui est compris dans la porte devrait être dématèrialisé.

Merci d'avance, à bientôt, Mlle Hammond


À ma chère amie Marie,

C'est vraiment très simple mais, même Sammy ne comprend pas mon explication de base en anglais. Et puisque je ne parle pas français assez pour donner une bonne explication de l'effet du naquada sur les forces quantiques impliquées dans l'opération de la "Stargate", je ne m'aventurerai pas à offrir une explication en français.

J'ai aussi trouvé une photo de Don avec une de ses oeuvres:

À bientôt,


Please understand that this is not 100% correct.

Dear Sel;

Will you be able to answer this question? Why does the ground not dematerialize not with the opening of the vortex? My colleauges and I are discussing this question and we do not agree on the answer. In fact I have body slammed several of my colleagues in frustration regarding their obvious mental density.

[Mental note to Self ~ Have Mad check my translation on that last line. I think my Babelfish has been hacked.]

Look at the door opening and where the flow of particle is. the vortex is thus made in the center of the door, it cannot have a hole in the ground if the door is lying on the ground.

[Sel's French is really rusty can you tell?]

That of the administrator. Of course I had noticed; except that mème without the swirl in front of, the vortex with him only thus creates a dematerialization of the matter the ground which is included/understood in the door should be dématèrializé.

Thank you in advance.

Doctor Marie

Dear Doc,

It's rather simple really, but I am not fluent enough in French to explain about the explain the effects of naquadra on the quantum forces involved in the operation of the Stargate. If Sammy can't understand my rather simple explanations in English, I'm certainly not going to try to explain it in French.

All my best;


Dear Sel ~ The Archives,

May 2006 ~ Current

February 2006 ~ May 2006

October 2005 ~ February 2006

March 2005 ~ September 2005

August 2004 ~ March 2005

January 2004 ~ July 2004

November 2003 ~ December 2003

To email Sel and ask for her advice, please click here.

After receiving her answer, feel free to drop Jake a note and ask for a translation.