Dear Sel,

December 26, 2003

Dear Sel;

Yesterday, I was quite heartbroken to realize that there wasn't any cute and cuddly, warm and fuzzy Tok'Ra Symbiote in my stocking that was hung next to the fireplace with care.

I was a good Tok'Ra wanna-be, so what happened?

Tok'Ra WannaBe.

Dear TW;

Sadly, right now the Tok'Ra don't have any spare symbiotes to give to all the deserving Tok'Ra WannaBes out there. In fact, right now, we just have Mathilda, and she's in statis right now, trying to recover. Plus, Mattie's already been spoken for.

The next time George Hammond sleeps over in the Tok'Ra tunnels, we hope that Mattie will be well enough to be placed on his pillow, much like a complimentary chocolate at a high class hotel. Then when George is sleeping innocently, Mattie will Tok'Ra-ize him. It will be so cool to have George as a Tok'Ra. Jake and him can go on all these top secret missions and I can have two of my boys within arms' reach. Just don't tell Jacob... He'll get cranky.

Well, I'm not very happy with that idea. Whose stupid idea was it? Garshaw? Anise? It wasn't YOURS, was it, Selmak?

Eeep. Jake always blames me for everything. Jake, why don't you tell everyone about the cool Christmas gifts I got you. I got a blanket as he's always complaining his feet are cold at night and I have to warm them up. I even knit him a hat so he won't catch cold when he's out on his secret assignments. I even got him "The Autobiography of Selmak, Super Symbiote, Coolest, Wisest & Eldest of the Tok'ra" and I autographed it, very nicely to him.

And... I got a really cool picture of Bra'tac from Santa Symbiote, and the photo was signed. He wrote, "Get rid of the Grouch and we'll talk, love Bra'tac." Ahhh... Bra'tac... He's so cool. He's such an action hero.

Let me see that! That's MY handwriting, Selmak. Did you sign this?!?!?!

No. Why do you always blame me? Did you sign this? It's not from the Jaffa Hunk? It's your handwriting? You're just so mean to me... Wahhhhh...

Growl. Looks like I have buy more Tok'Ra Treats. What type now? Chocolate covered carmel marshmellows?

I don't believe Tok'Ra Treats could make up for this agonizing heartbreak

10 Pounds?

Make sure they're the milk chocolate, Pookie.

December 2003

Dear Selmak;

I noticed that Sel's reviews seem a little... focused... for the lack of a better term.

Selmak nods Jake's head for him, and says... "Well... yeah.... Problem?"

December 2003

Dear Selmak, Allegedly Oldest and Wisest of the Tok'ra.

Don't you think that you should be nicer to your host?


Someone who believes that Jake deserves a medal for putting up with you.

Dear George;

Not NICE. That's why your fan page ain't finished...

Selmak who is the Oldest, Wisest and Coolest Tok'ra around.

So Pfffft to you.

December 2003

Dear Sel;

Love your site, especially the "Ask Sel" section. I have a question - what do you think about O'Neill, Jackson, Teal'c?


Far too many women to list

Dear Girls;

I love all of the Stargate Men equally, but remember the last time a Sexy Symbiote came to SGC and had fun with the boys? Samantha Carter and Janet Frasier got irked and jealous, and then proceeded to shoot Hathor full of hot, steaming lead.

I really don't think Sam should shoot her father, so I've decided just to focus on my boys, and leave the rest for them. No need to be greedy.


November 2003

Dear Sel;

I know that you normally had female hosts, but now having experienced the joys of having a male host, which sex do you prefer?


Dear Curious,

I have to admit that after having What's-his-name as a host, I think I prefer the male of the species better. They're just so cute, especially when they're sleeping and you can wiggle your way into their minds and...


He's y-yellllling at me.... Sniff... I h-h-h-ate it when... J-j-acob yells... at meeee... Sniff...

November 2003

Dear Selmak:

Please let me assure you that I think that you and Jake are the coolest characters on Stargate. When I grow up, I want to be like Jake. My question is: You cured Jake of cancer, staff wounds by the dozen and even Sokar's tender mercies, but why can't you do anything about my... I mean... his... hairline?

Sincerely, Jak... I mean... Jack...

Dearest Jacob:

Do you really think I wouldn't recognize your handwriting?

I've told you once, I've told you thirty seven hundred thousand times, I'm not the Hair Club for Men. I'm not a member and I'm not the President. Life threatening injuries I'll heal, and I've even cured you, without complaint, of those killers hangovers when you and George go out drinking all night, but I'm not doing anything about your hair line.

All my love;


PS - Dearest Jacob, in case you haven't noticed my web site, I'm partial to older, balding men. You don't need to housebreak them.

November 2003


I have a question. You know Jake Carter pretty well.How would Jake react if I decided to ask out his daughter?

Maybe Sam and I could go fishing.

Afraid to give their name.


Jake would hunt you down if it took him the rest of his natural life. By the time he was done with you, there wouldn't be enough left of you to have a memorial service. Take it from me, date someone else, if you want to live. If you're feeling reckless, go ahead, ask Sam out. But make sure your will is up to date, and we have your vital stats, e.g. Blood Type on file at the SGC.


Dear Selmak, oldest and wisest of us all:

Why doesn't anyone take me seriously?


PS - Ever since you merged with whats-his-face, General Grouch, you're not as much fun as you used to be. Why? What ever happened to Selmak the Party Tok'ra?

Anise & Freya.

Dear Tok'Ra Spice.

No one takes you two seriously because you wear those revealing little outfits even though the Tok'ra tunnels run about 40 degrees F. It's nice that you're young and perky, but take it from Sel, one day, those two shall collapse, much like the Roman Empire.Trust me, you ain't as much fun since I quit drinking.



PS - his name is JACOB. Only I can call him whats-his-face.

PS # 2 - Cut it out with the oldest and wisest crap. I know you impersonate me behind Jacob's back and... he found out. Jake's not amused... so you're in trouble, missy. And he really doesn't like the General Grouch comment either.

To quote a Tau'ri song..My Jacob's back, and there's gonna be trouble

(Hey la, hey la, my Jacob's back)
When you see him comin', better cut out on the double
(Hey la, hey la, my Jacob's back)

So look out now, cause he's comin' after you
(Hey la, hey la, my Jacob's back)
(Hey, he knows that you've been tryin')
(And he knows that you've been lyin')

Dear Selmak;

Are you sure that you can't do anything about the hairline?

With sincerest respect,

your Host;


PS Anise apologized.


Dearest Jacob, my new soulmate.

For the last time, I'm not doing anything about your hairline.

If you take a look at the picture below, you'll see the last Tok'ra that harassed his symbiote for hair.

Does he look happy?

Nooooo... so I'd wouldn't keep asking.

Lots of Symbiotic Wet Kisses on your brain stem;


Dear Sel ~ The Archives

May 2006 ~ Current

February 2006 ~ May 2006

October 2005 ~ February 2006

March 2005 ~ September 2005

August 2004 ~ March 2005

January 2004 ~ July 2004

November 2003 ~ December 2003

To email Sel and ask for her advice, please click here.

After receiving her answer, feel free to drop Jake a note and ask for a translation.