Dear Sel,

October 18, 2009

I had a nightmare the other day where a Stargate base was attacked, and a group of teenagers dialed a 9 symbol address and ran through, then proceeded to rush about in miniskirts complaining about a life support system going down. I have run into several other people who also had this nightmare-- is it an evil Goa'uld plot to influence the minds of the Tau'ri with this insidiousness or do I just need to change medication?


- Concerned Tau'ri member having bad dreams

P.S. I kept seeing 'S-G-U' in the nightmare for some reason.

Dear Concerned Tau'ri.

You know I had the very same dream. It was a horrible dream as every single character had a perfect head of hair.

Except for the big, balding, big shouldered Three Star General dude that showed up at the Computer Geek's house and Sel got all weepy as that should have been Hammond!

If it wasn't for the fact that Sam was flying around on the Good Ship Hammond, I would have sworn I was watching BSG as it was rather dark. Did someone forget to turn on the lights when they were filming? Sel will continue watching it, and most importantly, she will refrain from making any one of the character's a Selmak Boy Toy, because her Boys have a tendency of not lasting very long.

Love & Kisses,


June 10, 2008

Dear Evil MasterMind,

I don't know who you are but your site is quite nice. A question has been plaguing me for a number of years, and I hope you could pass it on to Jake to pass it on to Selmak (sorry for the mis-spelling, I'm a little nervous).

Don't worry! I don't bite! That's just a mean rumour! ~ Sel

I'm pretty sure that as the Evil MasterMind, you'd like an answer to this too, but honestly, I need to hear it from Selmak. I mean if you were the oldest and wisest one, it would have been posted on the site. Plus, because you're incognito you could be a damn alien too. Sure, sure, Selmak is too, but he seems pretty nice.

Well, actually I'm a girl symbiote, but I'll let that comment pass. Have I mentioned how much I like getting NICE fan mail? ~ Sel

Now my opinion of the Evil MasterMind and all the other little aliens may change one day, but as of yet I've not recieved any chocolate or my very own flying saucer so I'll hold off on judgement for a bit. I feel Selmak is trustworthy because he saved Jake's life, althought it wasn't in any of the local newspapers (I looked in all the local towns) it must be true because I saw it on the television.

That's because it was TOP SECRET, dontcha know. It wouldn't be TOP SECRET if was in the local paper! ~ Sel

Anyway, actually it's two questions. Here's the first one.

Now I understand those little critters (no disrespect intended, Selmak) can enter and take over a body through the neck and throat.

Little Critters! LITTLE CRITTERS! I'll have you know that I'm twenty four inches long when I STRETCH REALLY HARD!! ~ Sel, who is NOT, and HAS NEVER BEEN a little CRITTER.

I was wondering how much help my tin foil hat would be to prevent this. After the show first aired, I took to wearing a hooded jacket to help hide the tin foil. It comes down to the base of the neck and I have it wrapped around the front of the throat also. Actually, I don't go out much any longer so I'm probably safe, people just don't understand tin foil hats it seems. I am working on a liner for my hooded jacket though.

Sadly, it does no good whatsoever. So save your Tin Foil for your sandwiches! ~ Sel

Second question.

Since your daughter isn't married yet could you ask her to give me a call when she's next in this universe? Please? I don't have the coordinates handy so I'll just give you my address and she could beam in any time. I'm married to a lovely woman for 20+ years and though the service, Star Gate Command probably pays pretty well, I don't think it would compare to what my wife would offer for her to "Beam me up" and take me away. I guess it never hurts to have more money. I can cook, I hate cleaning and am mostly just a lazy bum, but I'm honest and funny. OK, well I'm honest anyway, well usually honest. Maybe I'm not funny either. Oh well, like I said, my wife would pay well.

Are you sure about dating Sam? Most of her boyfriends end up well... DEAD... or their hearts whamplestomped as she's got that little Daddy issue that she and Jake need to fully resolve. You seem so nice, I'd hate for you to get the Carter Curse. ~ Sel

Maybe one more question.

Anyway, if any of you aliens would like to stop by for dinner sometime I'd be happy to serve you. I had Mr. Spock stop by once for dinner and he tasted like chicken, so I'm curious and I bet the fan base would like to know too.

I'd like to stop by for dinner, but you were joking. Too bad, as Jake makes a great chocolate cake. He gets upset as I take over the body and put more icing on the cake so it's nice and gooey.


~ Sel

September 10, 2006

Dear Sel,

i've been wanting to talk to you for a while but I am in such awe of you I didn't know what to say. However, I came across a question that I hope you with your great experience and wisdom can answer for me. It's circled on the picture I am including.

Sel Fan

Dear Recent Mommy,

Look at your balding USAF Major aka Hubby. Look at your six month old son.

'Nuff Said.


Auntie Sel

July 15, 2006

Dear Sel,

Why are you consoling Chekov? Why is Jake and George updating the site and not you?

Secret Tok'Ra Agent Tels

Zdravstvui Tels,

Season 10 Spoilers Ahoy! Just Roll your mouse over the next passage to get the details about why Selmak was consoling our favorite Russian Colonel.

The Korolev was destroyed by the Ori and they claim that there were only SIX survivors. Chekov was not mentioned as being one of the survivors, so it appears that our dear Tovarisch Chekov was killed.

No doubt he was killed because they needed to balance the budget so they could put Vala and Cam in Black Leather!

Snarky Sel who is royally pissed off that another one of her boys has joined the Glow Club.



July 1, 2006

Dear Sel,

Doesn't Don "Aw Shucks" Davis look PURTY in that tux from "The Dead Zone"?

Don Fan

Dear Don Fan,


Don always looks sexxxxxxxxxxxxxyy as he's got that "Southern Bad Boy Your Mamma Warned You About but You Didn't Listen and Now You're in a Whole Heap of Trouble " twinkle in his baby blues.

Just don't tell Jake as he gets jealous.



PS - Don't tell Don, as I don't want his wife coming after me with a fully charged Zat.

May 2006

Selmak is just horribly behind on her mail. She'd like to apologize, but after she got back from the Cleveland Vulkon, she had to beat up a few bad guys that had tried to move in on her terrority while she was on vacation.

Then when she was done, she immediately started answering her mail, pausing only to gulp down a Biggie Diet Pepsi, and to sigh at her picture of Tony Amendola that she got autographed. (Tony said he likes the site! ~ shameless namedropping Sel. And Don likes it too! So does Mike, so three outta five Boy Toys enjoy Selmak.Org! 60% ~ That's passing with the new Tok'Ra math!)

Sel was in such a good mood that she decided to bang out a new Dear Sel column. A couple of these letters were originally addressed to Jake, but since he's busy playing Ascended Shuffleboard with Janet, Sel decided to answer them. (Plus someone had put them in her IN BIN.)

April 28, 2006

Dear Dad Sel,

I heard this song on the radio the other and had some alternate lyrics pop into my head. (I guess Walter's rubbing off on me...and I do NOT mean that in a sick way!) Hope you enjoy!


"Man! I Feel Like MacGyver"

I'm going out tonight, I've got to get this right
Gonna take that Goa'uld weapon out
Wanna be unseen, so I don't make a scene
Yeah, I wanna just get this done
No fancy tools, just use what I pick up
Turn it into something useful
I'm smarter than the goons that chase me all around
I only wanna complete my mission

The best thing about being in the Air Force
Is the prerogative to blow some big things up

Oh, oh, oh, using my big brains, using my training
Rucksacks, jackets,
Oh, oh, oh, keep the stalkers back, I only want Jack
Oh, oh, oh, I can take you out, if I really have to
Feel my cold stare-do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free yeah to do the things I need...
Man! I feel like MacGyver!

The Goa'uld don't take a break, tonight we're gonna take
A chance to get rid of Ba'al.
He really is a schmuck, but thinks he's awful cute
Personally, I don't see it.

The best thing about being in the Air Force
Is the prerogative to blow some huge things up

Oh, oh, oh, using my big brains, using my training
Rucksacks, jackets,
Oh, oh, oh, keep the stalkers back, I only want Jack
Oh, oh, oh, I can take you out, if I really have to
Feel my cold stare-do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free yeah to do the things I need...
Man! I feel like MacGyver!

The best thing about being in the Air Force
Is the prerogative to blow some big things up and...

Oh, oh, oh, using my big brains, using my training
Rucksacks, jackets,
Oh, oh, oh, keep the stalkers back, I only want Jack
Oh, oh, oh, I can take you out, if I really have to
Feel my cold stare-do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free yeah to do the things I need...
Man! I feel like MacGyver!

I use my big brains
You can't get me down
Come, come, come on baby
I feel like MacGyver...


Dear Sam,

You're scaring me. That's it! No more Nick at Night for you!


PS - there will be no rubbing of Walter, ok? The only man I approve for you is GEORGE as he's an ADULT!

Thanks to Brandon for mentioning Selmak.Org in the 'Avatars Acting Badly' Section of the Something Awful Forum. His comment on Selmak.Org ~

" ~ your place for so much Don S. Davis it might make your stomach turn."

Well, Brandon, I'm not so sure about that, but I do believe that Don gets a queasy feeling in the pit of his tummy whenever he's informed that the site's been updated.

PS ~ Brandon, Sel really wants to know what you mean by "Avatars Acting Badly", and she'll be stopping by your place shortly.

PPS ~ Did you think Sel wouldn't find out?

April 28, 2006

Okay, this site is offically the funniest thing I have seen in a very long time. As I'm writing a fic right now called "Putting Out Fire with Gasoline," the story of Selmak's life, I was out trolling for Selmak-related fan sites and now dearly love this one. (As it's one of the few out there.)

Thanks so much for the giggles and the squees, especially over Jake's injury page. Gotta love Pookie-whumping. ;)


Dear Audrey,

Thank you for your kind words. Sel's been a little downcast lately as there's pretty much nothing left to find out on ANY of the boys.

Selmak.Org, a monument to a bunch of hot little Boy Toys, is pretty much complete. That's why Sel quickly decided to adopt Garry Chalk!

And once she's finished abusing researching him, she'll adopt another one!



PS ~ you know it's been a while since I called Jake, Pookie. I think he's feeling neglected .... POOKIE!

Dear Dad Sel,

I know it's not Christmas time anymore, and this song is going to make you think of mistletoe and all manner of Yuletide songs, but I had to send it to you anyway. Dr. Jackson got drunk on the base last Christmas and started singing this song. It has been so long since I have been able to send it to you because if I had, I would have been killed by Colonel Carter, Dr. Jackson, Teal'c and General O'Neill. Now, on to the humor!

I saw Carter kissing Jack O'Neill
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
They didn't hear me creep
To the lab to have a peek,
They thought that I was tucked inside my books a-studying
Then, I saw Carter tickle Jack O'Neill
That's a sight I didn't want to see!
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Jacob had only seen Carter kissing Jack O'Neill last night!

Hope it brings a smile to your face!

An anonymous janitor inside the SGC

Dear Rose,

What pray tell, is in the WATER at the SGC?


Dear Sel ~ The Archives,

May 2006 ~ Current

February 2006 ~ May 2006

October 2005 ~ February 2006

March 2005 ~ September 2005

August 2004 ~ March 2005

January 2004 ~ July 2004

November 2003 ~ December 2003

To email Sel and ask for her advice, please click here.

After receiving her answer, feel free to drop Jake a note and ask for a translation.