Jacob Carter ~ Reviews

@@#@$#Q$^@#$% ! SLAM! @#@!%@#%@! KICK! GRRRRRRRR!!! I'M GONNA KILL THEM ALL!!!

Hi - Jake here. Selmak's a little annoyed right now, so she won't be doing the review for the Episode DeathKnell.

I'm gonna hack his sites www.DelekIsTooCool.Org & www.delekisjustsocool.org and I'm gonna send all the traffic to www.DelekIsALoZerBoy.org. I'm gonna post those pictures of him and Garshaw making out at the holiday party. @!#!$%)!$#%_)!(@#$%_)! (#$%_)! @#$@#$ !$#@)) !@##$%!)!) You know why they kept sending us out on all those secret missions. It wasn't because "Only Selmak can handle it" it's because they wanted ME DEAD!

Slam.

Like I said, Selmak is exceptionally irate right now.

I thought it was suspicious. They kept sending us out for Domino's Pizza during the Council meetings! Selmak's a fallen war hero! Blah, blah, blah! I should have known! Slam! I'm gonna kill him! GRRRRRR.

THEY THOUGHT I WENT NATIVE! GRRRRR!!!

Perhaps even you have noticed that Selmak is very angry at the moment. While I must admit that it's rather refreshing for Selmak to be screaming at someone besides me, I am a little concerned about her temper and the language she is using.

I'm registering DELEKISALOZERBOY.ORG right now with Network Solutions. Where's your gold card, Pookie?

I cancelled it. I warned you about using it on E-bay. Do you have any idea how much shipping is from New York to wherever the hell the Tok'Ra base is?

EVERYONE'S AGAINST ME TODAY!!!!

Selmak, I'm doing the review right now? Remember?

...sniff...

Come on, Selmak, I think you need a hug.

Sniff. Don't forget to tell them how you were the bravest little Pookie I've ever known.

Sniff.

Anyway, my daughter and I were working on the device to stop Anubis' drones and Sam made a comment about me not getting my morning coffee. I then told her that Selmak didn't like coffee so I didn't drink it anymore. Sam thought that was cute, I could tell, and I tried to change the subject. "We don't ever talk anymore."

Sniff. You can drink it again if you want. I hid the coffee on you, it's in the 2nd drawer on the left. .sniff.

Thanks, Sel.

I have to be nice to you as you're my only friend.. SNIFF. So you can drink that nasty stuff again. SNIFF. If you could add a little more sugar, I'd appreciate it. SNIFF. but you really don't have to. SNIFF..

She's been like this for entirely too long. It's rather unnerving to have Selmak sobbing in my head. It must be one of the signs of the approaching apocalypse. Selmak is so upset that she didn't even mention the fact that Sam called her, "my symbiote".

It doesn't really matter. you're the only friend I have. so I don't want you upset with me. sniff... sniff.

Anyway, Sam agrees with me. Then all hell breaks loose, and before long, I'm running for my life.

...and my life. though it might have been better if I died. I wouldn't have to know everyone's against me..

Selmak was yelling at me to run faster and commenting that I should spend a little more time in the exercise room running laps instead of the lab room. Then she yells "LOOK OUT FOR THE TREE, POOKIE!!!!!" and then I don't remember anything for a while.

When I woke up there was silence in my mind, and a big tree on my leg. I mentally called for Selmak, and I got mental gibberish for a bit.

I don't wanna get up. I don't wanna go to Tok'Ra Rebellion School today, mom. I just wanna sleep.

Then Selmak woke up, and I thought she was going to kill me, as she began cutting off my airway

WHO ARE YOU? WHERE'S SAROOSH! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SAROOSH!!!

"I'm Jacob. I'm your host. Remember? I can't breathe, Selmak. Help!"

I'VE NEVER HAD A MALE HOST. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?? HELP!!! I'VE BEEN SYMBIOTE-NAPPED. HELP! HELP! HELLLLPPPP!!!!

"Saroosh is dead, Selmak. I'm your host."

NOOOO!!!! Not my Saroosh!!!!!!! I must have been pretty desperate to take a male for a host!!!

"Well, yeah. It was a choice of death, Selmak, or me. Don't you remember? You call me Pookie."

That's a STUPID name for a host.

"You got me there, Sel."

SEL? NO ONE EVER CALLS ME SEL.

"I do, all the time. You call me Pookie. Look, you have this little risqué fascination with older, balding men. George Hammond. Bra'tac, me? Does this sound familiar at all?"

JACOB? JACOB CARTER?

"Yes! That's me."

I don't feel so good. I wanna hurl.

"Not in my brain, please, Sel."

I feel really queasy.

"Sel. can you do anything about my leg?"

NOW I REMEMBER! You're always getting hurt and whining about it. Wanting me to fix, fix, fix, mend, mend, mend, heal, heal, heal... They've got flyers of you up in the tunnels saying "Jacob Carter - 4 Episodes without being hurt". Ok, time for Selmak to fix, fix, fix. I'm mending. I'm mending.

"Uhmmm Sel? While you're fixing my leg - can you do anything about my hairline?"

NO! Who do you think I am? Kyan Tok'Ra?

"Damn. It was a good try."

Fortunately Jack and his group found us.

… all they asked was if you were ok… they didn’t care at all about me… sniff…. But that’s ok… nobody cares about Selmak…. Sniff… not even Jacob as he’s drinking coffee again… sniff…

I’m really getting worried about Selmak now. Me drinking coffee should have upset her. She likes the smell, but hates the taste. It normally gets her extremely hyperactive, so she should be chasing her tail right now. No, instead, she's still sniffling.

…sniff…

They get the tree off my leg and I’m taken to SGC, where Selmak works her magic on me. Before long, I’m limping through the SGC, albeit with a stick. Not bad for someone that got up close and personal with a tree right, Sel? Thank you, Selmak for fixing me. AGAIN. Like you do in every single episode.

…sniff…

Selmak really should have rubbed that comment in my face. I'm getting extremely worried about Selmak. I think this entire episode has been a little damaging to her self-esteem. But meanwhile, Sammy's missing and Selmak was trying very hard to prevent me from being... what did you call me? An old man with a hero-wannabe complex? Because I wanted to go through the gate and find my daughter.

Sniff. I won't call you that ever again... sniff... sniff..

George and I have a long discussion, and I have the uneasy feeling that the Tok'Ra High Council has kept the two of us out of the loop on some issues. I confront Delek, and he tells me.

THAT SELMAK'S GONE NATIVE AND NOBODY TRUSTS HER ANYMORE!!!. I should have drowned him as a defective when Egeria whelped him. They think that Pookie has influenced me. As if that were possible.. I've INFLUENCED POOKIE. not the other way around. You tell everyone that, Jake. Tell them! Tell them RIGHT NOW!

You have picked up a few quirks from me, Selmak and you are Pro-Tau'ri on a lot of the council votes.Remember, he did say that we have our supporters.

Grrrrrr.. Though I shouldn't get mad at you, you're my only friend... WAHHHH!!!!....

Big Long Suffering Sigh. The alliance is now crumbling between the three races. The Tok'Ra are tired of our heavy losses since we met up with the Tau'ri, and the Jaffas believe that they have exchanged their Goa'uld masters for the Tau'ri.

Everything's going to hell, Jake. sniff. I don't know what to do.

Neither do I, Sel. But we're going have to do some seriously fence mending.

Fortunately they found Sam alive, and they returned to the SGC. I refused to leave the base until she woke up as I wanted... no... needed to say goodbye. It would not be right just to leave her without so much as a goodbye. Selmak refused to say goodbye as she was insisting tearfully that we'd be back at the SG-C before the month was out, as George Hammond couldn't run the place without us.

Sometimes I wonder, if knowing what I do now, would I still have become Selmak's host? Infighting between the Tok'Ra, tortured by Sokar, burned by invisible insects...

It's allright, I know you wouldn't... sniff... sniff...

I know that I would, because somebody's got to keep a stern eye on Selmak. Could you imagine the trouble she'd get into if I wasn't here?

Season 7 ~ Death Knell

A Tree! A TREE FELL ON US! YOU'RE A KLUTZ CARTER! ~ Sel

A TREE! We're in the midst in the middle of a vast TREELESS area.

Good thing George knows how you are, so he had the stretcher on standby.

Saroosh never had a tree fall on her!

 

SHUT UP SELMAK!!! Jake

Why don't you pretend you're a tree and LEAVE. ~ Sel