Jacob Carter ~ Reviews

Close your eyes, Selmak.

Jacob, it's pretty darn ridiculous that you're making your SYMBIOTE close her little eyes before you punch in the code for the Alpha Site.

CLOSE THEM.

Sigh. They're CLOSED. Though this is pretty stupid, as I know everything there is to know about Jacob Carter. I know alllll about your first time.

SELMAK!!

You crashed a jet.

"Come on! Hurry, Malek, Hurry, Hurry!"

Selmak here, as you can tell, the Tok'Ra are in a bit of a bind again. Anubis has discovered our Top Secret Tok'Ra Base and has decided to crash our Friday Night Tok'Ra Meet & Greet. You'd think by NOW, that Anubis would understand that we just don't want him here. He never brings a bottle and he's a really bad dancer. Jake tried to dial SGC and we couldn't connect, so that's why Jake's dialing the Alpha Site - the Top Secret Tau'Ri Base of which only one Tok'Ra (AND HIS SYMBIOTE!!!) know the coordinates.

Right now, we having the little Tok'Ras and the Tok'Ra-ettes run through the gate, as Jake's got a tactical nuke that he's itching to throw at Anubis.

Now it's our turn! Hurry, Jake! Hurry! Throw that bomb!!!

We reach the Alpha Site and I'm surprised to see a heck of a lot of Jaffas waving their staff weapons around. I see a familiar looking individual who has a goatee and he's wearing a cape, and my little symbiotic heart goes pitter-patter.

Ok, Jake, it's time for a really Cool Entrance! Who's Da Man? Jake's the MAN!

Naturally, that's when Jake gets shot in the leg by a random staff weapon blast.

"AWWWWWHHH," Pookie screamed.

Jake! You had to ruin our really cool entrance, didn't you? Now all the Jaffas are going to make Jaffa Jokes about us. Whine.

I hope you understand that I was fixing Jake, even as I was yelling at him for ruining our entrance. Meanwhile Jack's wondering if Anubis will be showing up shortly.

Jacob: "I set a charge equivalent to a tactical nuke to detonate 10 seconds after we left. No one's following us, no one saw the address."

Jack: "You're sure about that?"

Jacob: "I'm positive."

I saw the address!

Grrrr.

I'm fixing, I'm fixing. Jake's leg is going to be as good as new!

Anyway, Jake introduces Malek to Jack and the two of them are going to get along fabulously. Note - I'm being very sarcastic.

Meanwhile, we have a little funeral for our little Tok'Ras that have died, and I'm trying not to be too tearful but I've just lost a lot of friends. Squiggly, Wiggly and the gang. Sniff. Sniff.Naturally, there's a fight among the Jaffa, Tok'Ra and the Tau'Ri almost immediately.

During the Funeral!

I can't even think of a Good Jake Carter Curse Word sufficient enough to describe how angry I am at everyone. Then Jack's really helpful as he angers Malek in record time.

Malek (as the crowd disperses): "There's no need to apologize on their behalf, Colonel."

Jack: "Apologize?"

Malek: "We understand the Jaffa."

Jack: "Actually, I was gonna remind you that without Bra'tac and Teal'c and other Jaffa, all your little Tok'ra folks would be pushing up daisies right now."

Malek: "And I need not remind you that the rebel Jaffa and the Tau'ri are equally indebted to us."

Teal'c: "How so?"

Malek: "We have been fighting the Goa'uld for millennia."

Jack: "Yeah...just when should we expect some progress on that?"

Ooh. That Hurt.


Then Jake and Jacob bond for a bit and rehash why Jack hates the Tok'Ra so much. I'm busy fixing Jacob's leg and regulating his body chemistry so he doesn't feel a darn thing. I'm such a wonderful symbiote, aren't I?

Ahem.

ISN'T SELMAK A WONDERFUL SYMBIOTE, JACOB?!?!

I'm talking to Jack right now, can this wait?

...ok...

Jacob: "It's a shame a true blending never really occurred. You might be able to understand the Tok'Ra a little better."

Jack: "Oh, I think I understand 'em just fine."

Jacob: "You don't like us much any more, do you?"

Jack: "I like you..."

Jacob, how about me? Does he like me? Does he like Selmak? Come on, Jake, ask him. Come on, please? Nudge, nudge, nudge. He likes me, doesn't he? He never talks to me, so I think he doesn't. Come on, ask him, Pookie. Go ahead, say, "Well you must like Selmak, right, Jack? She's saved your sorry little ass quite a few times but she's such a wonderful Symbiote that she doesn't count, though it's been twenty eight times that we've had to rescue you."

Right?

Right?

I don't think he likes me, and I know he didn't like my Christmas Gift last year. But I tried so hard! I thought he'd like a Simpson's Calendar! How was I supposed to know that he wanted THE Simpsons not Jessica Simpson?!?!?

Jack would like you a lot more if you took Ritalin

Ritalin? I have to look that up in the Pookie Drug Reference Handbook.

Flip through pages. Flip, flip, flip. I wish I had hands; this would be so much easier.

Let's see. Ritalin.

Methylphenidate (meth-il-FEN-i-date) belongs to the group of medicines called central nervous system (CNS) stimulants. It is used to treat attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), narcolepsy (uncontrollable desire for sleep or sudden attacks of deep sleep), and other conditions as determined by the doctor.

Methylphenidate works in the treatment of ADHD by increasing attention and decreasing restlessness in children and adults who are overactive, cannot concentrate for very long or are easily distracted, and are impulsive. This medicine is used as part of a total treatment program that also includes social, educational, and psychological treatment.

...oh...

That wasn't nice, Jacob. I think I'm going to take a nap now. Just ignore me while I sniffle. It's been a bad day. A lot of my friends are dead, and my host. who's NOT a FRIEND. thinks I need Ritalin. Plus Bra'tac hasn't come over to say, "Hello!".

Whimper..

Selmak?

...whimper...

I was kidding. I was. My leg's beginning to hurt, Selmak. Really bad.

...whimper. I'm sorry. I'm afraid I got a little distracted there. now. I lost my concentration.you hurt your shoulder right? I get really confused as you get hurt all the time. whimper. Selmak. whimper. will fix your little Pookie shoulder. there's it all better now. I'm getting.... really tired. I think I need. a nice, long. yawn. Pookie nap.

Selmak, it's my leg. I know that you know it's my leg. Don't snuggle up to my brain stem! I hate when you push my brain matter around to make yourself a nice, comfy pillow! I'm getting annoyed here, Selmak!

Nudge. nudge. Such a nice little pillow. Zzzzzffffffffffttttt.

Selmak, you don't have NARCOLEPSY!!!

ZZFFFFTTT

Selmak. come on. don't act like this. look, I'll sing the Selmak song. Selmak is great. Selmak is neat. Selmak keeps her klutzy host on his feet.

Next thing you know, after I've taken a nice nap, we've got problems. Someone rigs our Naquadah reactor to blow and there are a lot of dead bodies piling up. Before long, I have to get involved, but I'm still pretty upset with Jake's Ritalin comment.

It would serve them right if I fell asleep right during the middle of this. Then again, why am I so concerned? I've quite forgotten what the problem is. I want to go pick flowers instead! I'll make a nice flower garland and I'll make Jake wear it. I'll be back.

For good measure, I sent someone a picture of Jake Carter skipping through the forest. He looked really happy, and he was singing. Loudly and Off-Key.

"Tiptoe - Through the Mine Field!"

Selmak. I apologized. Repeatedly. I've sang the Selmak song three times, all three hundred verses, I've even offered to buy you Tok'Ra treats by the truck load.

Do I know you?

Selmak, please, we've got big problems here, and I need you.

To fix something? I'll take care of that hangnail right now. Fixed! Yawn. that was. exhausting. zfffftttttttt..

SELMAK!!!

Then they have to use the Super Duper Symbiote Lie Detector, and that means I have to help Jake as he couldn't be bothered to read the instructions.

Jacob: "I'll screen the wounded, but I doubt they could have made it from the infirmary undetected. After that, if we still have nothing, base personnel will have to be screened..."

Jack: "Okay."

Jacob: "...and the Jaffa."

Jack: "Bra'tac?"

Bra'tac: "I had hoped it would not come to that."

Jack: "Look, if the Jaffa won't submit to the screening after the Tok'ra already have, we're just asking for trouble."

Bra'tac: "The very purpose of this device questions one's honor."

Jacob: "Or you could say, confirms one's honor."

Dear Egeria are my two boys two peas in the same pod or what?

Bra'tac: "It is also of Tok'ra design."

Jack: "Oh, Come on."

Bra'tac: "I have learned much in my 137 years. Can you look me in the eye and tell me you trust the Tok'ra entirely?"

And I've learned in my umpteen years of life, that Bra'tac has to mention his age every time he wants to make a powerful statement. We're all supposed to say, 'Well since Bra'tac's just such a marvel as he's just so bloody old, he must know what he's talking about'. You know, Bra'tac, I hate to tell you that if you were a 137 year old Tok'Ra, the Tok'Ra wouldn't let you drive a cargo ship by yourself.

Jack: "No. Not entirely, but enough to allow myself to be screened along with everyone else."

Bra'tac: "I will convince the Jaffa to submit. You have my word. Perhaps once the Tok'ra see how big Jaffa hearts can be, they will finally look upon us as equals."

I know exactly how big a certain Jaffa's heart is, I commented loudly. And other parts. But he's still refusing to say Hello!

Sel? That's the first risqué comment I've heard from you since the base fell. Does that mean, I'm out of the doghouse?

If you'd only get me a puppy, I wouldn't make you live there. I'd name him Jake, Junior, and I'd call him J.J. It would be nice to have unconditional love from SOMEONE, even if he's got four legs.

Sel, you know I do.

You do what?

You know... that love thing... toward you.

Well, after five years, I guess that's about as good as it gets with Jacob Carter. Sigh.

I know you were really upset what happened to the base, and I shouldn't have joked about the Ritalin, ok?

On another day, I would have laughed. Sniff.

That's my Sel!

Raknor and Malek get into an argument, and before long, everybody's pulled a weapon on someone, even as Jacob's yelling at Malek. Everyone's got a weapon out, but Not me, Not Jake. Our Zat is where it belongs. I'm rather disappointed that Teal'c pulled a weapon out, but at least he's not pointing it at us.

In fact, nobody's pointing a weapon at us.

Which I might add, is a delightful change from normal!

Hunky, cool Bra'tac, who wasn't aiming his weapon at anyone, notices tracks. When questioned, he admits that either Jaffa or Tok'Ra could have made them.

The mystery increases as we do a headcount. Let's see. One Tok'Ra, Two Tok'Ra, One Jaffa, One Super Cool Bra'tac, One Tok'Ra Symbiote Extraordinaire, aka SELMAK, One Limping Pookie, One Malek.

Wait. Everyone's here. That means we've got trouble, right here in River City.

Before long, Jacob and I get involved again as Teal'c is choking Malek. Apparently, Bra'tac's.... dead... sniff...sniff... and Teal'c blaming Malek. Teal'c big hands are around Malek's scrawny little neck, and Malek's eyes are bulging from his head.

"Jack?" Jacob prompts, which earns a half-assed comment to stop from Jack O'Neill.

Then Jake and I bravely go to Teal'c and talk to him about why he shouldn't kill Malek. We finally hit the right buzzwords and Teal'c lets Malek go.

In time, our little band of rebels discovers the true enemy is an invisible Ashrak, and Bra'tac kills him! Woo hoo! Love that Bray. He's such a Jaffa hunk!

With a twirl of his cape, a twinkle in his eye, Bra'tac is able to put everything in perspective, "This single blade did what we could not. It has brought us together. This blade has spilled the blood of Jaffa, of the Tok'ra...and of the Tau'ri...By the hand of our common enemy, it has made us brothers. Together we have ensured it will never spill our blood again."

Sigh. Gotta love that Bra'tac.

Sniff of disgust.

He'd get me a puppy if I wanted one.

Why don't you tell Mr. Jaffa with the Big Cape that?

I will. He's invited us to dinner tonight, Pookie.

If he puts his hand on my knee, I'm going to Zat him.

Don't worry; I'll turn the lights out if that happens. You'll never know if the two of us rekindle old times. But if I'm purring like a cat tomorrow, you'll probably guess!

I'll get you a puppy! Name the Breed! I'll get you one! Hell! I'll get you TWO PUPPIES!

Season 6 ~ Allegiance

Naturally someone had to ruin our super cool entrance.

Malek is quite used to Jacob. Thanks Malek!

So, Jake, can you ask Jack-Jack if he likes me?

Da boys & da punk kid by the name of Jack-Jack.

For once, no is aiming at Jake and me, and I'm delighted.

My brave Pook tries to calm Teal'c down before he chokes Malek.

Once again, Sel and whats-his-face, her host, saves the day!