Jacob Carter ~ Reviews

We're having a nice little family outing. I brought the cargo ship, Jake's driving and the kids are along for the ride. We've got that new guy Jonas, and Jake and I razz him for a bit because he's the Newbie. Sometimes, I let Jake's eyes get all glowy and then I cross them, just to watch Jonas jump. Tee Hee! Tee Hee!

Oh yeah, we're investigating a Goa'uld mother ship that's double parked in Earth's orbit. I run some tests and I tell Pookie that it is apparently dead in the water... err... space.

DAD: This is a first. It must have been a little crazy around the SGC when it showed up, huh? (Smiles)

SAM: You have NO idea!

D'oh! I said, having picked up one of Jack's favorite expressions.

Yes, Pookie does know. Better remind her of the obvious, Pook.

DAD: I have a pretty good idea, Sam. I used to be an Air Force General, remember?

And now you're my personal Pookie! Can your life get any better? I asked Jake.

For some reason, he doesn't respond. Even after I nudge him with my tail a few dozen times, he doesn't respond.

Nudge, Nudge, NUDGE!!!

HEY YOU!  I'M TALKING TO YOU!

Do you really want me to answer that Selmak? ~ Jake

So like, what the hell is that supposed to mean, Jacob? Huh?

But we've got our own problems, Jack wants to take his handy-dandy US Air Force sticker and slap it on the side of the vessel. He's probably already named it the "Enterprise" but I prompt Jacob to remind Jack what happened the last time he used that Air Force sticker. The way O'Neill slaps those Air Force stickers on everything, I'm surprised that they haven't run out of them. They must print them by the gross.

General Grouch: Look, Jack. None of this makes any sense, so before you go slapping a US Air Force sticker on the side of this ship ---

JACK: Will you stop? Obviously we gotta check things out around here, see what happens before we do anything.

Cranky Jacob: And find out what the hell it's doing in Earth's orbit.

JACK: But our standing orders are to recover technology that can help us defend against the Goa'uld. I'd say this ship falls under that heading, wouldn't you?

Just give up, Pookie. We'll have to be ready to go save his sorry ass again. This time though, you can rub in our rescuing him only after I salt his wounds.

Jacob just sighs and comments, "You know, sometimes I get a little worried that you're gonna get my favorite planet wiped out."

JACK: Yes. Which planet is that?

I tell Jake to ignore Jack, but Jake gives him the Jacob Carter trademarked "General Grouch" glare. Thankfully the kids go off to play in the mothership so I don't have to smack Jack.

Jake and I get to play with the ship's controls as we're trying to unlock the computer core area. There's a lot of garble on the ship's intercom, then Jack announces that Red-Shirt Freson's dead!

Jake is then shot by a bunch of Ninja Jaffas and he falls down, unconscious.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to fix him, but I'm also screaming very loudly at him to wake up.

"POOKIE! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!!! THIS ISN'T COVERED BY YOUR WARRANTY!"

Wake up, Pookie! We've got Klingons.. Err... Ninja Jaffas on the Starboard Bow!

Fortunately, Sam's familiar with her dad's propensity for getting hurt, so she runs to the rescue and she even brought his insurance cards with her! Jake wakes up and we realize that we've got big problems! Jake's got a broken collarbone and he's smelling pretty burnt. Meanwhile, I've got a headache that reminds me of the time that I went out drinking with Bra'tac.err. Saroosh went out drinking with Bra'tac. but....

WE'RE GOING DOWN!!!!

Yes. Jack's brand new mothership is gonna go splash right into the ocean.

Oh no! I forgot Jake's swim fins!

Meanwhile, I'm busy trying to fix Jacob's collarbone, which is in 1,984,532,234,554 and ½ pieces. I'm having a hard time as well it's really, really Dark inside Jacob, and remember, I don't have any hands. I'm pushing the little pieces together with my tail, bemoaning the fact that besides forgetting Pookie's swim fins and his brand new swim shorts that I had just bought him, I didn't bring any Jake-Carter-Fix'em-Up-Glue.

#$ it! Next time I pack! Not Jake as he told me that he had brought his swim fins and the glue!

I'm still fixing Jake after we splash down in the deep depths of the ocean, when Sam decides to go exploring and figure out what's going on in the computer room. Jack goes with her, and before long, they're yelling for help.

THEY'RE GOING TO DROWN! THEY CAN'T GET THE DOORS OPEN!! AND THE WATER'S FLOODING THE COMPARTMENT!!!!

Selmak! You must know the codes for getting in the system, Jake yells at his cute and cuddly, warm and fuzzy symbiote who is trying so very, very hard to save his daughter.

I start prompting him with all the codes I knew from when I was a daring Tok'Ra operative.

Ra is a loser. No go!

Apophis wears women's underwear. NO GO!

HATHOR IS A TRAMP- that's the top-secret code for getting in the program's back doors. It never fails, but this time. it did!

THEY CHANGED THEM! THEY CHANGED THE CODES!

SELMAK! GET YOUR SNAKEY ASS IN GEAR! ~ Jake

I'm trying! I'm trying! Try Hathor is a #$%ch

SELMAK! Stop BEING #$%#^$ CUTE AND DO SOMETHING! ~ Jake

I'm TRYING!

SELMAK! Stop being a Smart Snake and HELP! ANYTHING HAPPENS TO MY DAUGHTER - I'M HOLDING YOU RESPONSIBLE, AS YOU'RE BEING $%(#$( CUTE!

I'm TRYING! I REALLY AM!!!!

DAVIS:Jacob, we could blow the door.

DAD: No, in such a confined space, the concussion would kill them.

DAVIS: They'll be dead if we don't! We can't leave them in there to drown, Jacob! We have to do som ---

DAD: What the hell do you think I'm trying to do, Major?!?!

Oh no! THEY'RE DROWNING! WE CAN'T GET THEM OUT!!!

SELMAK! I'M NEVER GOING TO FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! ~ Jake

I really tried though. I did.. Come on, Jake. I tried. I really did..

Don't talk to me, Selmak. I just don't want to hear your lame excuses. ~ Jake

But .. Jacob.. Wail. I TRIED! I DID!

Oh my God, Sam's dead. ~ Jake

To make a long story short, thanks to Thor in the Computer Core, Sam didn't drown. Big sigh of relief.

Jacob Carter takes over the review.

Much, much later, Janet Frasier, who seemed amused that I was in her clutches, checked me out in the SGC Infirmary.

"Jacob, for a Tok'Ra, you're in here an awful lot."

"What can I say, it's because of you," I teased, which earned a roll of her eyes. "Could you do me a favor? Could you check out Selmak? He's being rather quiet, and normally, my shoulder would be fixed by now."

Also normally, I'd get a big JAB from Selmak by calling her male. But she was being strangely quiet.

"Selmak's checking out perfectly fine. Let me give you a few pain pills and you can sleep. I'm sure that by tomorrow you'll be able to go golfing with General Hammond," Janet promised.

Before long I was asleep.

JACOB'S DREAM

I was back in my cubicle in the Tok'Ra tunnels and there were pieces of paper on everything. Peering closely at them, I was surprised to see that a childish scrawl had scribbled my name on a few things. Also on the desk, there was the Tok'Ra Times, a newspaper that Selmak bought occasionally for the sports section, but I knew she that liked reading the gossip section.

There was also a long list of names entitled possible hosts and an advertisement for Anise's Statis Treatment.

SELMAK'S POSSIBLE NEW HOSTS???

1. Jack O'Neill, HATES ME & WANTS TO STEP ON ME UNTIL I GO SPLAT!
2. George Hammond, Wants me only for My Super Symbiotic Smarts
3. Daniel Jackson, Has Potential BUT HE'S ASCENDED.
4. Samantha, NO way For Obvious Reasons
5. Teal'c, Wears ENTIRELY too much makeup
6. Bra'tac, Sigh... No.
7. Paul Davis, Potential. Cute also. Wonder if He Dances
8. Siler, gets hurt far too often
9. Walter Davis, probably would want his hairline fixed.
10. Jonas Quinn - NO! NO! NO!

Plus someone was screeching a very high pitch song. It sounded like Celine Dion, until I realized the words were a little different than what I was expecting.

All by herself
Sel's gonna be
All by herself
Anymore
All by herself
Don't wanna live
Oh
Don't wanna live
Inside Jake, Inside Jake
Anymore

There were two personals that were circled, and the ink was smeared as though tear-stained. Looking at the tags with my name on them, I realized then that Selmak was very very upset with me as she was selling everything I OWNED. DIRT CHEAP no less!

WANTED: HOST

Cute and Cuddly, Warm and Fuzzy, Extremely Brokenhearted Tok'Ra Symbiote looking for a new host. Would prefer a non-smoking female who likes long walks on the beach, beating up the Goa'ulds, and who enjoys Tok'Ra Treats. A plus would be if you don't get hurt every time you leave the tunnels. A sense of humor would be nice, but really. all I'm asking is for a new friend who won't yell and scream at me all the time. Please see Selmak. I can't give you any references as all my friends have been squashed FLAT!

Wanted. New Symbiote.

I like getting hurt every chance I can. I like screaming at my symbiote and I don't eat enough fiber for one person, let alone a host and his symbiote. My favorite endearment is #$!)_#%(!_#$) and I'm extremely pro-Tau'ri. I'd prefer a QUIET Symbiote who has only been in male hosts previously. I believe Tok'Ra Treats rot your teeth and I'm not amused if you talk about other balding men. See Jacob Carter.

Assorted Tags

sel's stuff. jake's stuff. sel's stuff. jake's stuff. stuff that sel bought for jake, but she's selling. Sel's stuff. Jake's annoying windchimes bought off QVC - no reasonable offer refused.

In our uncomfortable stone bed was a Tok'Ra symbiote that was liberally smeared with the remnants of what looked like five pounds of Tok'Ra Treats. She was a tear-stained, chocolately mess of a symbiote and yes, she was the one that doing the off key version of "All By Myself."

"Selmak," I groaned. "What are you doing? Shouldn't you be inside of me?"

Selmak shook her little symbiote head, and tried to burrow underneath the pillow. Unsuccessful in hiding from me, she was successful only in smearing chocolate all over my pillows. Yes, they were MY pillows though the little minx had marked them for sale.

"Selmak, you're a mess. Let's clean you up."

I dropped her into the bathtub, and without any prompting; I threw in some bubble bath. Selmak likes bubble baths. Don't look at me like that, Selmak likes having bubble baths, so sporadically, I let her have a bubble bath. Yes, I was dreaming, but I still gave her a bubble bath as Selmak obviously wanted to make me pay through the nose for my bad behavior earlier today.

I sat next to the tub, and I tried having a serious conversation with Selmak, which was rather difficult, I want you to know. She was very displeased with me, so she splashed a lot, making sure I was liberally drenched with bubbles. Then she made me use a pumice stone on her. Then I had to oil her skin, give her a full-length body massage and then rub her down with a nice warm towel.

I apologized repeatedly, willing to do anything to make amends with Selmak.

"I'll do anything, Sel," I promised.

Her little red eyes lit up, and she wore a very evil symbiotic smirk.

"Anything?" she squeaked.

"NOT WITH GEORGE!" I inserted quickly.

"It's just enough that you apologized for being mean to me. I mean you were very nasty to me."

Sniff...sniff.

"So.... I forgive you, since you apologized. but there's one... small...thing... if you could do it for me? It would mean so much, Pookie."

"Name it, " I groaned.

"You're giving up the coffee, Carter."

"WHAT?" I yelled, as there were some things I wouldn't do even for Selmak.

"It's that, or sing the Selmak Song," she informed me.

"It's what, twenty five verses long," I protested.

"I worked on it, and it's now two hundred and seventy three verses long. Ok, at the beginning. Selmak is Cool. Selmak is Neat. Selmak keeps her ungrateful host on his Feet!"

"OK! No coffee!"

Season 6 ~ Descent

 

Jake gets shot by some Ninja Jaffa

POOKIE! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!!!
THIS ISN'T COVERED BY YOUR WARRANTY!"

Trying to figure out how to save his daughter and Jack-Jack.

Someone yelling at his cute and cuddly, warm and fuzzy symbiote
who was trying SO VERY HARD to save his daughter.

Oh, does someone have a headache? TOO DAMN BAD! ~ Sel