Dear Dad,

August 27, 2004

Dear Jacob,

Just thought you should know I don't agree with what some people are saying about Pete. Sam's a smart girl, she knows what she's doing. You did a good job in raising her. And Pete's no idiot. He knows all about Sam's work and how important it is. And he still loves her! So, you need to get Selmak and your cute behind back to earth to meet him. Then you can judge for yourself. Besides, you could always have Selmak flash those eyes at Pete to remind him that he better treat your little girl right.

Sincerely,
M

PS: If you noticed I address you as Jacob and not dad.

Yes, and I do appreciate it muchly!

I happen to like the name Jacob, it's a good strong name! I even had a pet named Jacob long before I learned of the Stargate! Oh yeah...almost forgot to ask, do you have a middle name?

Dear M;

Thank you for your words of support. I'm sure that Pete is a very nice guy that will treat my daughter like she deserves.

Jake

PS. You really think I have a cute behind?

Oh great! He's going to be absolutely useless now! He'll want a three way mirror so he can look. Did you have to tell him that?

Yes. I did. - M


August 22, 2004

Dear Dad,

I know that the Tok'ra have their respective tripe-colored undies in a twist. They vowed to hold their breath until they turn blue and THEN never speak to us again. But you need to get you and your cute snake back to Earth, Pronto. ASAP. Right Now, if not sooner.

Your daughter, Sam, is in serious danger and needs your help.

She's now engaged to Pete. You probably don't know Pete, but Dad, he's not good for her. She's already caught him stalking her. You need to tell her to find someone else. Someone that will appreciate her technobabble.

For cryin' out loud, Jake! He's not good enough for her.

But he'd be good enough in case you need another Tok'ra host. Would that improve our relationships?

Jac...Just a friend of Sam's

WHAT? MY DAUGHTER'S ENGAGED? WHO THE HELL IS PETE? I'm coming through that wormhole and I'm going to find this Pete. Then I'm going to have a long discussion with him about how I expect my daughter to be treated, and then I'll let SELMAK talk with him.

I can't believe that George didn't tell me! He should have least sent me a message through the wormhole!

Excuse me, Jacob?

Who are you?

The one that runs the website. Uhmm... I guess you and Sel weren't informed that George isn't at the SGC anymore. He got promoted and he's in charge of HomeWorld Security.

Oh let me guess? O'Neill's in charge. Hahahaha! That's priceless... Selmak.. isn't that funny?

Hee hee! O'Neill in charge of the SGC. Bahahahahah. Wait, Jacob... she's not laughing... Oh no! He can't be in charge! He doesn't like me! No... Don't say it... It can't be true!

...errr...

WAIT A MINUTE - YOU'RE NOT LAUGHING! They didn't promote him, did they? Well, at least Janet's there to keep her eye on Sam and keep Jack in line....

...errr....

WHAT HAPPENED TO JANET?

...errr... Jacob... Selmak... Janet died on a mission.

WHAT?


August 22, 2004

General Carter;

I can not believe that as a God-Fearing Member of the American Air Forces, sworn to defend the Red, White and Blue from the godless terrorists that would destroy our way of life, that you actually let that little sneaky head snake with the big ego and the even bigger mouth go alone and unattended to a Political convention where it met plenty of honest, hard-working, God-Fearing American Citizens. No doubt it was spreading propaganda about Aliens being our friends. I refuse to even consider the idea that you let that untrustworthy Alien Teal'c chaperone her! The only thing worse was if that Mr. Bra'tac had shown up!

Don't ever let it happen again or else you'll be busted back to Recruit, Solider!

Robert Kinsey, Vice President of the USA.

Dear Bobby - You don't mind if I call you Bobby, do you?

First of all, you have no right to tell me how to handle Selmak. She, not IT, wanted to go to the convention, and since SHE has saved Earth a few dozen times, I figured why the hell not as even Selmak deserves a vacation. In fact, I gave her my gold card and told her to go have some fun.

I seem to remember that you aren't the Vice President anymore.

I also didn't vote for you.

Jacob Carter, Major General, USAF Retired.

Pookie! Thanks! That was so sweet of you to defend me from that mean man.

Well, it was pretty stupid of you to go to a con, but I'm not going to let anyone else say that to you! No one can yell at my Selmak, except for ME!

Ah... Jake. Did you notice that his eyes were flashing when he talked?


Dear Dad,

Why did you give up coffee? I think Selmak should let you drink coffee! It's one of the seven wonders of the world!

Da... errr... Sam...

Dear Daniel;

Good try, but I recognized your handwriting. Selmak doesn't like the taste of coffee, and as her host, I agreed not to drink it.

Ok?

Jake


Dear Dad,

I think you're hiding something. What's the real reason? Because I remember from my childhood that nobody could talk to you before you had your third cup of coffee in the morning, except for Mom.

Love,

Sam

Dear Sam,

Since you asked so nicely, I'll let you see what happens when Selmak has a double expresso. It's not a very pretty sight, so I hope you can handle it.

No, Jake! Not the double expresso! Please! I'll be good! I'll be the best little symbiote in the entire world. I'll even stop commenting on George and Bra'tac... Oh no! Here it comes! Blah! Blah! BLAH! I hate the taste! Why can't you add sugar to it? It smells so good, but it's so bad.

I'm going to take a big gulp, savoring the taste while I ignore Selmak's protests.

I hate when you drink expresso. I get all tingly and I feel weird... and... WHAT's THAT!?!? It's A TAIL! There's a tail! It must be a Goa'uld symbiote in Pookie! I better chase it. Attack it! Kill! Kill! KILL! There it is! Attack! ATTACK!

Selmak! Listen to me! That's your own tail! Stop chasing it!

Oh! You're right! That was my tail. I was wondering... how did an Evil Goa'uld Symbiote get into my Pookie... Where was I? Oh yeah... I want to sing. I want to dance! I want to Cha-cha-cha down the ramp with George. Does Georgie know how to cha-cha-cha? Why don't we ever go dancing, Jakie?

Ok, Sam, this is where it gets really bad.

If you only loved me, we'd go dancing. If you only liked me, you wouldn't be so mean to me. You're always... sniff... sniff... getting hurt... and then... you yell at me....and use the ... SNIFF... really bad words to yell at me... I've never had a host who yelled at me like you do... and sniff...sniff... I need a hanky and you don't have a hanky ready... Nobody likes Selmak... none of your friends ever talk to me, except for Selmak, we need, Selmak, we want... Selmak, Selmak, Selmak, SELMAK... Want, want, want, need, need, need... nobody ever says.,.. SNIFF... Say, Selmak, want to catch a movie with us? But I'm used to being used... by everyone... Sniff... sniff... It would be nice if O'Neill did something nice for me considering I've saved his sorry little ass thirty seven times. I'm not asking for much... I'll take an ice cream cone, you know, with three scoops of Chocolate Marshmellow Ice Cream... One for me... one for you... That sounds really good, Jake, let's go for ice cream, please? Please.... You never take me out for ice cream... it's because you're ashamed of me. You won't introduce me to Mark or your grandkids... You says it's because of national security, but I know the truth... you wish you had Anise as your new best friend rather than me...Oh the agony! I have a host who doesn't like me!!!

Boo-hoo... where's that hanky?

I'm gonna fall asleep now as I'm really tired. Not like you care...nobody cares... about Selmak... except for Selmak...sniff...zzzfffttttt....

Selmak then falls asleep for a couple of hours and when she wakes up she has a killer headache. That's the real reason why I gave up coffee as it turns Selmak hyper, paranoid, lonely, despondent, hungry and then teary all in a matter of minutes.

Dad


February 22, 2004

Dear Dad,

How are you taking the imposed separation from your children and grandchildren due to the bust up of the Tau'ri- Tok'Ra Alliance.

Fondly;

A Non-Biological Fan

Dear Non-Biological Fan,

Thank you for not claiming to be a child of mine.

Jake gets very nervous when he gets mail from all these people claiming to be his kids. What can I say, Jakey was a very bad boy when he was younger - Sel.

Selmak behave... or else...

No... no... NOT THE RUSTY PLIERS JACOB. I'll be good. I won't make any noise. I'll be the best little symbiote in the entire world... UNIVERSE....

Anyway, as I was trying to answer before Little Ms. Mouth interrupted, I am naturally rather disappointed that I can't see Sam, Mark and my grandkids. I also understand that Sam is dating someone, and I'd really like to meet him to make sure that he's good enough for my daughter. But I fully expect to see them shortly, and unfortunately, due to my military career, my children are used to me not being around as often as other fathers are.

Thanks for asking.

Jake

Actually, Jake's rather upset, and he sniffs in his pillow at night. Then I tell him that he's not alone, as he's still got me for the next four hundred years, and he really starts crying then. Sel.


January 19, 2004

Dear Dad,

What was it like the first few days you blended with Selmak?

Love,

Me.

Dear Kid,

You better be Mark or Sam because I don't see any note or labwork attached to this email, OK? Just in case you are my REAL kid, I will answer your question. It was very interesting with Selmak the first few days. Sel? Are you there? Do you want to answer this question?

Silence.

Ok - that means I can be truthful. I was scared, even more scared than when I broke the sound barrier. Not even when my wife handed me a screaming newborn and told me not to drop it was I ever that scared. And... I had a few nightmares. Pretty much it was the same dream over and over again.

I had a burning sensation in my chest, George was trying to hold me down on a lunch table, Teal'c's got my feet, Danny and O'Neill were trying to keep my hands down and Sammy was telling me to calm down while I'm screaming from the pain.

The pain gets worse and worse, and before you know, there's this rippling movement in my chest, and then... my chest explodes. Blood everywhere, I'm literally shrieking from the pain, everyone's wiping the goo off their faces and then... and then...

Selmak pops out of my chest, shrieks "POOKIE! POOKIE! POOKIE!" before giving me a big, wet, sloppy, symbiotic kiss on my lips, and then she begins to sing in a very high-pitched voice. (Think Tiny Tim)

Getting to know Jake.
Getting to know Jake, getting to know all about Jake.
Getting to like Jake, getting to hope Jake likes me.
Getting to know Jake, putting it my way,
But nicely,
Jake is precisely,
My little Jake-y.

So, there was a slight period of adjustment.

But he still won't let me watch the Alien series! Jacob's afraid that I'm going to get ideas or something.


January 10, 2004

I've read Selmak's answer to Curious' question about "BLENDING" and it's a moderately truthful response until the part where she mentions that she suggested that we both take a nap. I sat down next to a really big tree, and I yawned, as I was really tired. Then the little brat whipped out a tape measure and she began measuring my length of my neck. Not happy with that, she then did the circumference.

"What are you doing?" I questioned.

"Just checking to make sure that there's enough room for me. Open your mouth really wide, Jacob, Selmak's coming in!"

My mouth opened really wide, and I swear, I heard the sound of a tractor truck backing up when Selmak in her symbiote form entered my mouth.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Arrrgghghhh." she muttered."Can't you open your mouth a little wider there, Carter? Pretend you're yelling at someone."

What are you doing? I can't breathe. You sound a little... cramped, Sel.

"Too many Tok'Ra Treats," Selmak muttered. "I've got to lose some weight before I do this again. Arrghhh.. Inhale.. Not you, Jake.as I'll end up in the wrong spot. That comment was for me. Inhale. Think Thin thoughts. Arrrgggghhhhhhh.."

After twenty minutes of Selmak inhaling and vowing to go on the Atkins Diet, she was finally in place. Then naturally, she began deciding how to improve things and how to make more room for herself. I have to admit that I got a little nervous when I heard the sounds of a jack hammer and a miter saw in my mind. Then Selmak began hammering away while she put up assorted pictures of her previous hosts and then she used the buffer while happily humming a little song about buffing off her host's sharp edges.

When she was finally done, she got out the vacuum to clean up her mess, which was appreciated as it was so dusty I thought I was going to sneeze.

Do you have any idea what it's like needing to sneeze while a Tok'Ra symbiote is making herself at home in your brain? I was afraid that if I sneezed, my brain and Selmak would shoot out my ears or something.

Happy with her work, Selmak then got out the ice chopper and proceeded to have the rowdiest Host-Warming Party to which I had ever NOT been invited. Least she shared the headache from drinking her frozen drinks too fast. Isn't that nice of Selmak? So considerate, that's my Sel.

"Least you're taller than Saroosh. Your neck's longer so I don't have to scrunch up like I did with Saroosh. Can you imagine what it's like to have a crick in your neck for two hundred years, Jacob?"

Ah... well... no I couldn't...

Naturally, Selmak began exploring.

"I've never had a male host before. What does that little thing there do I wonder? What will happen if I touch it, I wonder?"

SELMAK!!!!!!!!

"Oops.Tee hee... Tee hee.. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. sorry, Jacob."

So, it was rather interesting, as I could feel her moving around inside of me. A few times she hit a nerve and then she laughed.

I DIDN'T LAUGH - I APOLOGIZED!!! REPEATEDLY!!!!! I WAS ALL CONCERNED AND STUFF...

And Stuff? You were concerned and STUFF? Before or after I blacked out?

BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER!

So that's my answer to that question.


Dear Dad,

Why does Selmak call you Pookie? Is it a Tok'Ra form of endearment?

Love;

Your daughter. (Not Sam)

Dear... Daughter????

Do I know you? More importantly, do I know your mother? There's been far too many people calling me Dad lately, and I think it's Jack O'Neill's fault. I'm gonna have to talk to him about that one of these days.

Selmak calls me Pookie because she thinks she's being cute. Well, she's not. I don't particularly like being called Pookie and she won't stop. Does that answer your question? Speaking of questions, the next person that calls me Dad better have a note from Janet Frasier confirming it.

Jake Carter, who has TWO kids. No More! No Less! I also have two, count 'em TWO Grandchildren, so don't try that EITHER!

You are actually correct, Jake's un-daughter. Pookie is a shortened Tok'Ra form of Host endearment, Pookalicious.

You're lying, Selmak.

Ok. I call him Pookie, because he likes the cartoon Garfield, and Garfield has a teddy bear by the name of Pookie. And Pookie never criticitzes Garfield and Pookie never yells or screams or makes Garfield learn html to do a website... Pookie just smiles at Garfield... and Pookie hugs Garfield whenever Garfield is feeling down... and... and... I wish I had a Pookie... because sometimes it's really rough being the Oldest, Wisest and Coolest Tok'Ra Symbiote around... especially when all your friends get smashed flat by the evil Goa'uld... and your Pookie is always getting hurt...Sniff sniff....

Cut the fake Tok'Ra tears, Selmak.

I'm sorry, the Tok'Ra symbiote you're calling is refusing to answer your call. Please call back in three hundred years.

Selmak? Are you serious?

I'm sorry, the Tok'Ra symbiote you're calling is refusing to answer your call. Please call back in three hundred years.

Come on, Sel. I've got a box of Tok'Ra treats. Your favorites, no less. The chocolate covered Marshmellow ones.

I'm sorry, the Tok'Ra symbiote you're calling is refusing to answer your call. Please call back in three hundred years.

Come on, Selmak, let me give you a hug. Come on... come on...


Great, another forward from Selmak@selmak.org. You know Sel, I don't think that sending Tok'ra chain letters to your host counts as a separate person. Oh well, what did little Ms. Sassy Snake add to this note.

Pookie, I think you need to answer this letter. Love and Kisses, your Symbiote.

PS - Try to be nice to him. I think he's afraid of you. You know, if you stopped waving that Zat around and giving the Evil Eye to Sammy's boyfriends, you might have more grandchildren by now. I wanna have grandkids to spoil! You never let me play with Mark's kids, and I could teach them such cool games. Pin the tail on the Goa'uld, Spin the Jaffa...

Granny Sel

God save me. Grandma Selmak? Try more like Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandsnake Selmak. Ok - let's read the note.

Dear Selmak:

With your long and varied life in various cultural traditions, you probably have a good idea about...match-making? By that I mean, ..if I talked to Jacob, assured him of my best intentions, do you think...there might be a chance...<whisper> ... of me dating Sam?

Maybe you could talk to Jake, as he's a little too proficent with that Zat of his. Not that I'm afraid of your host, but he's a little.. intimidating.

Yours sincerely,

Cute and Lovable Arch...Arch...i...tect!

PS Has Jack said...anything to you? About, oh, anything?

Dear Danny,

I would be delighted if you expressed an interest in my daughter. Yes, Jack's mentioned something to me, but I threatened to space him so he's stop sniffing around Sammy - at least when I'm around. Next time I'm on Earth, we'll go out and have a very long chat on how I expect my daughter to be treated. Then after you prove to me that you're good enough for my daughter, then I'll step back.

Trust me, I'm a Teddy Bear.

Jake

PS - What ever you do, don't call me Dad. There seems to be far too many people doing that lately.

Danny-

See I knew Jake would go for it! He doesn't like Jack as Jack reminds Jake of when he was younger. Trust me, there's probably a good reason why everyone's calling him Dad. <Wink>

Do you like kids? Will you be having any? Will you let me play with them or are you a nasty symbiote-phobic person?

Love and Kisses;

Granny Sel


Dear Dad,

Why don't you wear those cute little kilts that the male Tok'ras were wearing in "The Tok'ra" Parts I & II. I think you'd look cute, and you could show off your knees.

A curious fan,

Dear Curious:

Let me say this just once.

Hell no, I won't show.

Sincerely:

Jacob Carter, Major General USAF, retired, Tok'ra Liaison

PS - why are you calling me 'Dad'? Is there something I should know?


Dear Dad:

Are you sure Sel can't do anything for Jacob's hair line? Hee hee, just kidding. Seriously, where can I get a Tok'Ra symbiote of my own?

Sincerely;

Tok'Ra wanna be.

Dear Tok'ra wanna be.

I know someone who has a slightly used symbiote and he's willing to give Selmak to you. Just see me.

Jake

PS - Do I know you? Why are you calling me Dad?

Dear Dad ~ The Archives

February 2006 ~ Current

August 2004 ~ January 2006

November 2003 ~ August 2004

To talk to Dad , feel free to drop Jake a note.

To email Sel and ask for her advice, please click here.